‘Our children have varying degrees of success’: My husband and I are in our 80s and have $300,000 to leave our 3 children. Do we give more to our underemployed son?
‘Our children have varying degrees of success’: My husband and I are in our 80s and have $300,000 to leave our 3 children. Do we give more to our underemployed son?
Dear Quentin,
My husband and I are in our 80s and retired with three grown children, and seven mostly grown grandchildren. Our will leaves 10% to each child, which will likely amount to over $100,000 for each of them in cash. It’s enough to make a difference in their lives.
Our children have varying degrees of success and needs. Our daughter is doing just fine and our two sons are a mixed bag. I just want to be fair and treat all equally, it may help the youngest through college, or to buy a house, or get established when starting a career.
However, my husband wants to increase the share for one son, because at age 56 he has few prospects for his future. He is underemployed and unambitious, but he is very attentive and visits us often; it’s easy for him as he is the closest geographically.
Our other son does not share his financial situation with us, although he claims to be building up his 401(k) with his employer; he does not own a home, and he is still making payments on a six-year-old car, and is always wishing for a new one.
He never picks up the tab when we go out and, in his younger days, he was very irresponsible with money and debt. I feel that with his share of the inheritance, his 401(k), and Social Security, and his very responsible grown daughter looking out for him, he should be fine.
What do you think?
An Octogenarian Parent
Dear Parent,
In your 80s, you are forced to be “mutant” helicopter/snowplow parents.
Helicopter parents are overprotective and “hover” over their children’s lives, forever concerned about their well-being and ready to swoop in if/when needed. Snowplow parents will clear the way for their children so they don’t have to do the work or risk slipping on the ice.
There is not a small amount of pathos in your letter. You and your husband are happily retired, have worked hard your entire lives and plan to exit these earthly plains with a net profit, hence the $300,000 inheritance you have the luxury of leaving your three kids.
You have one son who does not own a home and is making payments on a six-year old jalopy. Your other son is not ambitious, and has fallen behind on his retirement savings, and does not have great prospects for a comfortable retirement.
They are both equally deserving of an inheritance and, by the same token, you and your husband are equally deserving of a round-the-world trip and a new house with a rose garden that you could buy with the help of that $300,000.
In other words, inheritance is not a given or an entitlement, and no one should live their life with the expectation that they will inherit six figures. That might lead certain children to rest on their laurels, and take heart in a windfall when their parents die.
So what should you do? You are trying to balance your children’s financial needs with your personal feelings about how they have behaved. You are setting yourself a near-impossible task, and you and your husband are already at odds over this decision.
What’s more, not even the Greek gods could accurately judge your children’s motivations and reasons for their success. To take an extremely cynical viewpoint, picking up a check here and there may be a good downpayment for a generous reward/inheritance.
Punishment versus reward
There is another outstanding question that you have not raised: Should your third child be punished for building a lucrative career and achieving financial independence, while your two sons should be rewarded for allowing the world to pass them by?
No and no. If you have $300,000, divide it equally among your three children. This will leave them with a level playing field. We all live and die by our decisions, good and bad, and who’s to say your underemployed son would not squander that extra cash?
This is a moral and financial dilemma that many (fortunate) parents will be facing over the coming years. Approximately $84 trillion in assets are expected to change hands over the next 20 years, according to the consulting firm Cerulli Associates.
This creates a cycle of wealth, privilege and, it could be argued, entitlement. Such large transfers of wealth will allow adult children to purchase property when many of their peers have been locked out of the U.S. property market. And so that cycle continues.
Structural and institutional racism also plays a role, economists argue, given that Black Americans have found barriers to employment and home ownership, and as a result traditionally have less wealth to pass down to their own children.
“Given the disproportionate amount of wealth held by senior white families compared with senior Black families, this transfer of wealth could further widen the Black-white homeownership rate gap among younger families,” according to this recent report from the Urban Institute.
Be a “free-range” parent: Step back and encourage independence instead.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
‘His wife is manipulative’: My father married a woman, 60, with no money, then changed his will. How can I preserve my inheritance?
My husband and I are retired — and live on a fixed income. We’re invited to our niece’s destination wedding. Are we obliged to buy a gift?
‘It’s the saddest thing’: I’m happily retired and my friends in their 60s want to know how I did it. Should I tell them my secret?
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