HEY BESTIE: How to understand your relationship attachment style

Lifestyle, Hey Bestie, Relationships, How to

Lately, my friends are all talking about their relationship attachment styles…is this a thing? I’m feeling a bit left out as I have no clue what mine is. How can understanding our attachment styles help us in our relationship?

You are not alone. I’ve also had an influx of clients lately mentioning their ‘attachment styles’ and how this is impacting their relationships. Understanding your attachment styles is crucial in a relationship because it can significantly improve how you communicate and resolve conflicts. I’ve personally seen how insights from attachment theory can foster deeper empathy, enhance emotional connections, and lead to more satisfying relationships.

There are four main attachment styles, generally categorized into secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each bringing different dynamics into a relationship. They are developed early in life and influence how we relate to our partners.

The Secure Attachment style is when individuals are comfortable with intimacy and are typically warm and loving. They manage conflicts well and can communicate openly about their needs and feelings.

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The Anxious Attachment style is when individuals crave closeness and intimacy but often fear that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings. This can lead to behaviours that demand reassurance, which might overwhelm their partner.

The Avoidant Attachment style is when individuals value their independence and often feel that closeness is a threat to their autonomy. They might seem distant or emotionally unavailable to their partners during times of conflict.

The Disorganized Attachment style is when individuals might display inconsistent behaviours that can confuse or frustrate their partner. This style often arises from past trauma or unstable caregiving experiences.

Understanding these styles can highlight the root causes of how you and your partner approach relationship dynamics, particularly communication and conflict resolution.

If one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant style, the anxious partner’s need for closeness can trigger the avoidant partner’s fear of losing their independence. This often results in a push-pull dynamic that can strain the relationship. By understanding these patterns, both partners can start to empathize with each other’s underlying fears and motivations, rather than reacting solely to each other’s behaviors.

Conflict in relationships often escalates when attachment insecurities are triggered. For example, a securely attached individual might use positive conflict resolution strategies such as active listening and affirming their partner’s feelings. However, an individual with a disorganized attachment might react unpredictably during stress, complicating conflict resolution.

By understanding each other’s attachment styles, you can tailor your conflict resolution strategies to be more effective. Secure partners can help model constructive communication techniques, while those with insecure styles can learn to recognize when their attachment fears are influencing their reactions. This awareness can help de-escalate conflicts before they become entrenched disputes.

In therapy, I often encourage couples to discuss their attachment styles openly, identify where conflicts in their attachment needs might arise, and explore ways to support each other compassionately because after all, the goal of understanding attachment styles is not to label one another but to build a stronger, more empathetic connection. It allows you to create a safe space where both partners can express their needs and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection.

Your Bestie,

Amanda x

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