Well-Meaning Busybodies Share My Medical Info

26/06/2024

Judith Martin, Miss Manners

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have celiac disease. I don’t parade that information around, but I’m not trying to hide it, either. When someone offers me something that I cannot eat, I just decline by saying, “No, thank you,” and often the situation is taken care of.

However, something keeps happening to me and I’m unsure how to handle it. Someone around me will jump in and say, “She has celiac disease; she can’t have that!” -- which leads the host to apologize unnecessarily and then scramble to find something I can have. I am aware these comments come from a place of kindness, and while I wish to avoid making anyone feel guilty over my dietary restrictions, I also don't want to risk my health by eating something that may make me sick.

Is there a polite way to firmly decline food, even when the person offering thinks it is safe for me? Is there anything I can do?

GENTLE READER: It is generous of you to ascribe good intentions to a person who blabbed about your medical history and put you in the position of being rude to your host.

But Miss Manners can fix that. Confess to the interloper in private later that you feel bad: You did not want your host to be put to any trouble on your account. If that does not make the point, and others are foolish enough to congratulate themselves -- or to scold you for not telling the host yourself -- you may add that sharing your medical condition with the host was not their decision to make.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are 70 years old and tired of small talk. We have friends and acquaintances from decades ago who insist on calling us to get together for meals, etc.

I make excuses every time, but they keep calling. Some get the hint and stop the calls, but most don’t. Any advice on how to dissuade these people?

GENTLE READER: Don’t answer the telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is an early bird and goes to bed every night at 9. His nighttime routine starts at 8.

I would like to invite a couple we sometimes dine out with over for dinner. Can we issue the invitation from 5:30 to 8? Or would it be better if we didn't state an end time, and my husband just excused himself at 8?

GENTLE READER: So you were being literal when you said your husband goes to bed at 9 every night, whatever the circumstances.

It occurs to Miss Manners that your guests might see changing one’s regular routine to enjoy the pleasure of their company as a relatively minor inconvenience -- and the failure to do so as a slight. Even if your husband stands ready to defend his proposed course of action, perhaps going so far as to present medical certificates, the damage to the friendship will have been done.

Why not, instead, invite your guests to brunch?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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