‘How can I avoid paying for my friends’ extravagant tastes while on holiday?

Holiday

Email [email protected] with your own moral money conundrum and it could be answered in a future column. All our letters are genuine but writers are anonymous.

Dear Sam,

My husband and I are going on holiday with a group of friends in August for five days.

They’ve already made a bit of an annual habit of these trips and it’s the first year we’re joining them.

We haven’t been away with them before, but we’ve all been for dinners and nights out together in our local town – and I know a couple of them in particular think nothing of going for the more expensive meals and drinks on the menu.

My husband and I probably earn the least of the whole group, and I’m worried we’re going to have to foot the bill for the more extravagant spenders who are going to want to split all the meals and drinks while we’re away.

I’d like to suggest that each couple just pays for what they’ve had each time we go out, but my husband says it will just make us look cheap.

I see what he means, but I’m really worried we’ll end up going way over our (already overstretched) budget if we don’t.

Frankly, it’s all making me not want to go at all!

The whole thing just feels so embarrassing – do you have any advice on how to approach this without making it awkward for everyone?

– Anon

Dear reader,

Thank you for sharing this with us and rest assured you are not alone in feeling uncomfortable about asking for equitable billing when socialising.

It is a shame the worry is spoiling the anticipation of your holiday. Let’s see if I can come up with any ideas that might help with this dilemma.

Firstly, I want to say how important it is to have friends with different lifestyles to our own. If we only ever hang around with people like ourselves, we miss out on broadening our perspective and understanding.

This cuts both ways of course, and you add value when you show your friends how you manage your budgeting compared to them.

It seems to me from your description of the group behaviour that habits have developed.

The way they have been splitting the bill isn’t “right”, it’s just how it’s turned out – and up to now no one has challenged it.

There may be others in the party who have noticed the extravagant spenders and would welcome a rethink on a fairer way to share the costs.

I know I am inclined to look at behaviour through a gender lens because I enjoy specialising in helping people navigate the different ways men and women approach finance.

But it does seem to me that your husband may be feeling a need to compete, where you are more worried about a sustainable situation that doesn’t put you in debt.

You could start by acknowledging this is a very typical difference in men’s and women’s approaches and that neither is wrong.

Maybe living it up and making the most of the holiday opportunities is the best use of your resources. Taking the risk could deliver rewards and you can claw back some budget when you get home.

Or maybe the downside of an overspend is just too onerous to accept and so the opportunity needs limiting.

Personally, I would err on the side of not getting into debt for a holiday, but I also appreciate the cost of missed opportunity can be greater than the monetary value.

Your relationships with your holiday companions and your experience on this trip will be impacted by your decision – you need to own this fact, be proactive and enjoy the outcome you choose.

As a new member of the holiday group, I think I would seek out the listening ear of one of the established members and share my concerns

Obviously there are risk-seeking, extravagant women as well as men.

But I am thinking that if you approach a woman who like yourself is of the careful and risk-aware persuasion, you could perhaps tap into the female desire to collaborate and create a plan for greater equity amongst the group.

After all, equality is not about everyone paying the same, it is about everyone paying a fair proportion.

I like the analogy of equality not just being about everyone having a pair of shoes, but everyone having a pair of shoes that fits.

This analogy exposes how unlikely my relationship with a friend would be influenced by the size of their feet!

I hope you and your husband can agree on an approach and be comfortable with who you are and what you want from this experience.

I definitely think asking for equality is acceptable, but it can be challenging.

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