DEAR CAROLINE: After my husband died, I discovered he said awful things about me. Now I feel so hurt and like our marriage was a sham.

Q My husband of 20 years died a short time ago and, while going through his desk, I found some unpleasant things he’d written about me. I was so shocked. He said that I ‘didn’t like his kind of loving’. 

However, years ago he told me that he didn’t want to have sex any more and since that time he never showed me any affection. He said that I never contributed to the house, but for years I worked part-time (while also bringing up children) and I did all the cooking, cleaning and gardening.

On occasion, he’d enjoy spending a few days away by himself. On his phone, I found a message to a colleague saying that he’d have to behave himself when I joined him.

I thought our marriage was OK. He was never an affectionate person, something I adjusted to, but I just feel so very hurt and betrayed. It’s as if our marriage was a sham. I haven’t spoken about this to my children, who are in their 20s; they were close to their stepfather and me.

A It must be so upsetting to discover your marriage was not what you thought, and even harder as you cannot talk to your husband about it now. It does, sadly, sound as if he was unfaithful on his solo trips.

This is devastating as you now have to cope with his betrayal while also grieving.

Getting to a point where you can move forward and feel a little better as you reassess your marriage and memories will be a slow process, but one thing you can do is to ask yourself whether you were happy. You describe the relationship as being ‘OK’, but don’t say it was ‘good’.

It must have been very hurtful to be rejected sexually and it’s difficult for marriages to thrive when there is no sex or physical affection. Plus, it sounds as if your husband was unappreciative of all your hard work. So I wonder if the marriage was ‘OK’ only because you made it so.

Some couples go for years in relationships that seem good enough, but where one is doing all the emotional work and the other isn’t trying. It won’t be easy, but I wonder if, in time, you will see you might have been stuck in a marriage in which you had to deny huge parts of yourself. While grief will still play a part, perhaps you can now choose a new, happier path.

I strongly suggest you have counselling to help (relate.org.uk). Your children should also be told. They don’t need all the details, but you can say that while he may have been a lovely stepfather he was not always a good husband, and you now realise he might have been unfaithful.

They will be shocked, perhaps angry, but once they absorb this, they will support you. They can still love the man they knew, but not his behaviour. When you are ready, you might find comfort in widow support groups (see a useful summary at chapter2dating.app/resources).

How can I help her when she's so volatile?

Q I love my sister deeply (I’m her big brother). However, she is riddled with anxiety, which can make her controlling and volatile. She is overprotective of her children and I can see this rubbing off on her eldest, who is nine. 

I get on well with her husband, who’s usually laidback, but recently he’s not been helping enough with the kids, partly for fear of having his head snapped off for getting it wrong. 

My sister doesn’t usually confide in me, but recently when I was alone with her she exploded in rage and tears and said she wants a divorce (she is 44 and they’ve been married for 15 years). I think this would be a mistake, as she is just overwrought. I’ve suggested counselling, but she said it is too late. How can I help her?

A What a caring brother you are. It would be such a shame if your sister’s marriage fell apart just because, as you say, she probably feels overwhelmed.

When a person is so anxious, parenting becomes very hard as they worry about everything, which can make them snappy. Talk to her husband. Don’t tell him she said she wants a divorce, just that you feel she is struggling and have suggested counselling to her.

I expect he is unhappy, too, and he could insist they go together. Then explain to your sister that even when marriages seem to have hit rock bottom, with help they can thrive again; but if they do divorce, counselling will also help them make the transition smoother for the children. An anxiety/volatility mix can indicate ADHD, so look into this and mention it. Understanding herself would help her cope better (see adhdfoundation.org.uk).

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally