BEL MOONEY: My divorce has been so painful. But it's what my friends and family did next that REALLY hurts…

Dear Bel,

For 30 years I was married to a man I considered my soul mate. I moved to America to be with him and he really tried to make our marriage work, even though his family turned against me for reasons out of my control.

I was angry with them and let the situation fester until I blamed him for all the unhappiness they had caused.

We returned to the UK and lived a comfortable life for the next 27 years. I loved my husband deeply and worried that he would leave me and return to America.

He truly was kind and generous and told me daily how much he loved me. We really did get on in so many ways. I knew how hard life would be on my own so I kept the status quo. But a few years ago I discovered he’d had affairs while my father was dying.

After much prevaricating, he decided he did want to leave me —and with no financial support either, even though he hid huge sums of money. Some of that was resolved after legal intervention on my part.

He has now remarried and lives happily in the countryside.

My friends and family let me down in so many ways. My family just told me to leave my ex — having no idea that I had nowhere to go.

Six years after the divorce I told them all for the first time that I was struggling. The responses were that I should pull myself together and move on. They said they could not help me because I needed to seek counselling — which I’d already done, with no success. They will not discuss my sadness.

The friends thought I had changed, and became very judgmental and distant after my divorce. They couldn’t handle my emotional upset.

There have been no other opportunities for me to meet people either, and it all feels too late to find happiness. I have tried dating sites and meet-ups but the whole experience is just hopeless and depressing.

I am still in sadness and despair. How do you start again with so much loss?

LUCY

Bel Mooney replies: You have written before and I’m so sorry that I missed your email the first time round.

But perhaps my subconscious was at work there, because I think you will understand that your problem is very hard indeed to answer.

Readers often tell me that each week they try to think of what they would say in response to a ­particular problem, but so often it feels an answer is impossible.

I do understand that feeling, yet believe it ­benefits us all to realise just how complicated life is. Because your emails

suggest a gentle, anxious, understanding person, I suspect you will agree with me that there ­cannot be any easy fix for a sorrow like yours.

Your subject line read, ‘Loss of a soul mate’, but studying your emails, it’s hard to grasp the idea of your ex-husband as a ‘soul mate’ — whatever that popular phrase really means.

It sounds as if you had a complicated relationship, made much worse by family interference, but I do congratulate you for two important reasons.

First, you acknowledge that you played a part in the problems that led to marriage breakdown. Second, you have listed all his best qualities in order to praise the man who caused you pain.

This shows generosity and honesty — and I promise you (from long experience) that such qualities are quite rare. So please can you take a moment here to think well of yourself?

It’s clear your self-esteem is at rock bottom, and therefore it will do you some good to reflect on the ways you have grown as a person — even as you brood on what diminished you when you lost so much.

I realise the suggestion that you have grown will seem absurd to you, when you are so sad and alone. But you’re still suffering a triple loss, which is why I suggest a small burst of positive self-love.

When we talk of ‘loss’, many people seem to think only in terms of bereavement — and yet the end of a marriage (and with it the aching loss of a whole way of life) can indeed feel like a death. In your case, Lucy, the situation was made much worse by an astonishing lack of sympathy from the very people (family and friends) you needed for support.

‘Dating sites and meet-ups’ haven’t yet opened possibilities for you. Please note that ­important word ‘yet’.

But I suspect they disappoint more people than they make happy, so this is where I ­

inevitably mention joining clubs (the Ramblers Association is

one ­popular with single people) and volunteering. Cliched though it sounds, they can be excellent ways to meet people.

Another thing to note is that word ‘people’. Not just men, but women, too — who might become good friends.

Your family and old friends could not deal with your ‘sadness’ and ‘upset’ — which leads me to an important word of warning. I’m afraid new people may not want to listen to tales of unhappiness, either. I’m sorry if that seems tough, but it’s true.

You have revealed good, strong qualities to me in your emails, so be sure to show them to the world, too.

Make a vow to note down one positive thought and/or action every single day — and believe it’s never too late for a fresh start.

Taken pal teases she has feelings for me  

Dear Bel,

I’m 29 and, four years ago, my friend introduced me to his sister who had come to live in the same part of the country as we do. We became good friends.

She subsequently met someone and they now have a beautiful son and live near me. My problem is: shortly after she met the boyfriend, she told me she had feelings for me. Now I can’t stop thinking about her.

The arrival of their child made me feel even worse, as I saw what I missed out on. We used to socialise, but these days I make excuses as I can’t handle the situation.

When we do meet, she tends to raise the subject, adding that it’s probably for the best that we remain just friends. It confuses me.

I’ve had a couple of girlfriends since I met her, but they didn’t last. I won’t act on my feelings as I’d never want to be responsible for hurting their son and her boyfriend, who I now class as a good friend.

I know nothing can happen between us, indeed, if I’m being totally honest with myself, although I know she enjoys my company, I don’t think she cares for me in the way she says she does.

Their nearness means I often bump into them, which I dread. I feel I need to move away, but this would isolate me from my other friends. I need your advice.

MAT

Bel Mooney replies: How hard it is to deal with a ‘what if?’ scenario in our lives: the tantalising thought that if only this or that had happened, we could have basked in a glorious happy-ever-after.

Of course, if you and your friend’s sister had dated from the start it still might not have worked out. Who knows?

It is quite normal to fixate on the ­unattainable. The fruit that’s out of reach looks far more ­lustrous and delicious

on its branch than the tired produce ­outside the shop.

It’s very easy to see how you fell for her. You became good friends at first and that probably would have seemed enough.

Maybe she started off seeing you as a ­second brother. But after meeting her ­current partner she chose to declare her feelings for you. Why not before?

Perhaps she started to compare you two men and belatedly realised all your great qualities. Or maybe the new boyfriend seemed a better, more stable bet.

Whatever the truth, they had their son quite quickly — and that in itself worries me. It sounds as if she is a pretty impetuous young woman, which doesn’t bode well for her relationship.

To be frank, telling you about her feelings behind her boyfriend’s back — and now repeating them when she has a chance, only to backtrack and say you should remain good friends... what does that behaviour signify?

I suspect a lot of women, as well as men, would shake their heads and murmur: ‘Isn’t she rather a tease?’ It’s as if she knows perfectly well that she now has you in her thrall, so that she only has to ‘raise the subject’ again to tighten the ties of vague hope that bind you to her.

Some might accuse her of ‘playing’

you, but I won’t. She isn’t the first person to enjoy that little thrill of power when

you see longing, love and lust in somebody’s eyes.

I don’t see any alternative for you but to sit this out, grin and bear it, and play your part as a good mate to both of them — in the knowledge that all of this will pass.

I certainly don’t think you should move away just because you’re afraid of bumping into the couple and their child.

But, whatever you do, avoid being

alone with her. Don’t give her the chance to ‘raise the subject’ which hurts you.

There are plenty of other women out there just waiting to meet somebody like you — and the more this obsession recedes, the better chance you have of a new relationship making you happy.