Kilkenny mum who lost her husband and son to suicide celebrates their lives by helping others

In 2002, Kilkenny mother-of-five Angela Hayes lost her husband Tommy to suicide. In 2011, her world shattered again when she lost her 19-year-old son Thomas to suicide on the anniversary of his dad's death.

Within the space of just nine years, Angela had tragically lost her husband and beloved son and was left trying to navigate the grieving process while being a mum to a young family that were also grieving.

After the loss of her husband, Angela was forced to sacrifice counselling for herself and her children in order to be able to afford to put food on the table.

The lack of support for families in Ireland touched by suicide became yet again painfully obvious for Angela, when her son took his own life less than a decade after her husband.

"I lost my husband in 2002 and I had a young family and trying to support them emotionally, mentally and financially was huge,” explained Angela.

"I suppose I didn't have money to go and get counselling for myself or to get counselling for the children because my priority had to be putting food on the table and clothing them.

"Nine years after my husbands suicide, my son Thomas took his own life. Myself and my family were hit with that familiar pain again of losing someone you love to suicide. We just kept asking how could this happen to us again? How were we going to get over this?”

Angela and her children were still recovering from the loss of a husband and a dad when Thomas passed away in 2011. The added burden of losing a son and a brother on top of that pain became almost too much to bear for the family.

“I really found it hard and so did my other children. One of my sons went down the road of addiction to cope with his pain.

"Thankfully he is in recovery now and he is married and has two amazing children so thank God his life is good,” smiled Angela.

Determined that no other family experience the unthinkable pain of losing both a husband/father and son/brother to suicide, Angela set up ‘Teac Tom' in memory of her son.

Teac Tom has become a lifeline for families touched by suicide by offering them immediate free support and counselling, something that wasn’t available for Angela and her family.

"We were fortunate that we had good friends and family to help us cope with these loses. But we didn’t have any other support, there was no other support available at all.

"So after that experience and seeing how hard it was, I didn’t want another family to go through what we had gone through so I setup an organisation in the memory of my son, Thomas, so that people could access free and immediate counselling and therapy."

Despite the terrible grief Angela was experiencing, she decided to use her tragedy to help others who were faced with the same lack of affordable support services for people affected by suicide or those contemplating suicide.

In February 2014, Angela established The Thomas Hayes Trust to support the people of Kilkenny and surrounding areas that had been affected by suicide.

Initially, the service provided resources and information on counselling services available, but it soon grew into something much more.

In October of 2015, the doors of Teac Tom (Tom’s House) opened on the Ormonde Road in Kilkenny. It became known as a safe and welcoming space for people to access affordable and immediate mental health services.

In 2018, Teac Tom extended its services to Stradbally in Co Laois. A second purpose built centre was officially opened in October of 2021 to serve the people of Laois and north Kilkenny.

Between the two centres in Kilkenny and Laois, Teac Tom is currently supporting people from all over Ireland including from Kilkenny, Laois, Tipperary, Carlow, Kildare and Cork.

Teac Tom’s vital services continues to grow and includes affordable and immediate face-to-face counselling, child and adolescent therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy in a safe and nurturing environment.

It also runs a 24-hour phone line, operated 365 days a year by trained support volunteers, a walk-in listening service and offers informational talks at schools and corporate engagement.

Teac Tom also has no waiting lists and between the two centres in Kilkenny and Laois is currently delivering 400 sessions of counselling every month free of charge.

Teac Tom have managed to deliver all of these services without any Government funding, relying solely on fundraising.

"We don’t get Government funding,” explained Angela. “We have relied on fundraising for the last 10 years, however, we are in a position now that we hope that this year the HSE will give us funding but we will have to wait and see.

"Grassroots organisations like ourselves should have an opportunity to access vital funds from Government that they need to deliver the services.

"We know we can’t just keep fundraising and trying to survive off just that.”

However, until Government funding becomes a possibility for Teac Tom, the charity must continue to survive off fundraising in order to be able to continue to offer those 400 sessions of free counselling every month along with all its other vital services.

Network Ireland Kilkenny have chosen Teac Tom as its charity partner for 2024 and has launched its €1,500 Mega Draw fundraiser for Teac Tom to raise money to cover a further 200 counselling sessions. The top prize includes an overnight stay at the stylish Pembroke Kilkenny with dinner, plus a day of luxurious pampering worth over €1,500 with a Kilkenny Gift Voucher for €200.

"This fundraiser is not just about spreading awareness, but also to let people know how to access support as well as raise vital funds to support Teac Tom,” said Angela.

"We aim to raise €10,000 to support over 200 counselling sessions for those in need.”

For Angela, Teac Tom allows her to commemorate the life of her son Thomas and remember his father Tommy by helping others. She hopes that her and her family's story will continue to inspire people to realise there is still life after losing a loved one to suicide.

“Life for me now, I have seen my children grow up to be amazing people. My eldest son who was in addiction is now a eucharistic minister and he has his two children and he is a carpenter and is married. My third boy, who was only 17 at the time when he found Thomas at home after he had taken his life, he is working in social care and he has a child. He is also helping people who are struggling.

"My youngest boy Alan, he went to UCC and graduated in social science and then became UCC Student President and a world youth leader. He then put himself through Oxford and graduated as an occupational therapist and is working in Australia. My youngest, is my daughter who is now 14.

"I suppose looking back, yes our family have been through the mill but having a strong bond and keeping open with each other and communication means I am now a proud granny to three beautiful grandchildren and my children are also all doing ok.

"I am so grateful for where we are today as a family.” To support Tech Tom please click here

Get ahead of the day with the morning headlines at 7.30am and Fionnán Sheahan's exclusive take on the day's news every afternoon, with our free daily newsletter.