Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When I first started dating my husband we would FaceTime each other from our offices and just work in silence for several hours at a time because we didn’t want to be apart and now I make him leave the room if he sneezes while I’m trying to concentrate.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 17, 2024″>
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
— J. Courtney Sullivan (@jcourtsull) April 20, 2024″>
You’re not really married until one of you shares your idea for an invention and the other one shoots it down in cold blood.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 19, 2024″>
My husband is eating potato chips super loud so I guess we’re arguing now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 19, 2024″>
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) April 17, 2024″>
If my wife and I did a cooking show it would just be her telling me I’m in the way.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 17, 2024″>
My husband asked if I’d like to go do something fun & of course I said yes.
Then he said, “let’s go to Lowe’s & look at refrigerators” & now I know we’re not on the same page anymore.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 20, 2024″>
My husband asked if I could swing by Costco on a Saturday, so he’s either gone insane or mad at me about something.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 20, 2024″>
I sent my husband away for the night. I can’t have him here while I listen to The Tortured Poets Department.
— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) April 19, 2024″>
A mugging but it’s just my husband finally bringing 9 dirty coffee cups downstairs
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 20, 2024″>
We have 10 minutes until we have to leave the house, and that’s when my husband decides he wants to discuss how we need to rent a steam cleaner for the basement carpet.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 20, 2024″>
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2024″>
My husband CANNOT say Star Trek correctly, (he says Star Track) and I now realize that I wish I had known this when we were dating.
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) April 17, 2024″>
[Wife comes home from hair salon]
Me: Your hair looks great! Did you also change the color?
9yo [From her bedroom upstairs]: OMG! She got her eyebrows done!
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 22, 2024″>
I don’t have a single gray hair yet. I’m not bragging, I’m shocked considering all the antics my husband and kids regularly put me through.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 22, 2024″>
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
— Han Solo Cup (@paminski) April 21, 2024″>
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess whose vacation clothes are in a tree right now
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 19, 2024″>
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 17, 2024″>
Tortured Spouse of a Swiftie Department
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 19, 2024″>
Judge: Grounds for divorce?
Me: He slurped a bowl of cereal WHILE listening to a work meeting on speaker.
Judge: *bangs gavel* Granted.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 18, 2024″>
funny marriage tweets (Photo: @DanRegan_Comedy/Twitter)
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