Dear Mary: I’m a 25-year-old autistic man – how do I meet and have a relationship with a woman?

I am a 25-year-old autistic man from Dublin. I haven’t had a girlfriend since the age of 12. I now want to be able to get into a relationship with a woman. However, after work and at the weekends I am tired and not bothered to go out to nightclubs or pubs, partly due as well to the sensitivity of my autism spectrum disorder. I am going to try to get more exercise over the coming months to overcome this tiredness.

I fell into a bad way some years ago when I stole from a shop and committed public order offences. However, these were all dismissed in court even though I did face a probation assessment. I fear a woman may ask about my past and I would have to bring these things up. Although in other ways I have been dealt a fair hand in life, but with regard to relationships and sex, I am completely isolated from them. Could you please advise?

​Mary replies: As I understand it, autism spectrum disorder affects how you perceive and socialise with others, each person is different and with differing levels of ability to communicate. This can obviously cause problems for you when you want to interact and communicate with women, and so you are wondering what is the best way for you to meet and form a relationship with a woman.

Many autistic people suffer with extreme tiredness which can be caused by the sensory and cognitive overload that many individuals experience. Your idea of exercise is very good and regular gentle exercise, such as swimming or yoga, can help boost your energy levels.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You made a mistake some years ago and I’ve no doubt you learned a lesson from that. There is absolutely no reason why you would have to tell any prospective partner about this, particularly at the beginning when you are just getting to know one another. Almost everyone has done something which, in retrospect, they wish they hadn’t done, but it is of no benefit to start looking back and thinking about what might have been.

People usually speak at a very superficial level when they first meet — things such as musical interests, hobbies, schools attended are pretty safe topics.

It is only when a relationship develops that they feel comfortable enough to divulge family secrets and worries. For instance, if your mother was an alcoholic you wouldn’t be saying that on a first date, but it would be important for the other person to know if and when they were to meet your mother.

And you can be sure that anyone you are dating would have their own secrets. So stop worrying about this and instead look forward with excitement to what may be ahead for you.

I understand why you don’t want to go to pubs or clubs. They can be really noisy and make ordinary conversation difficult. If you have hobbies — anything from hill walking to photography — that can be a very good way of meeting people with similar interests to you. And it is far better to join such clubs with the intention of furthering your hobby and making friends rather than specifically looking for a girlfriend. It is a fact that people generally meet someone who becomes important in their lives when they are least expecting it, and you will have to trust me on that.

There is an American-based website for autistic people both for social and romantic developments — hikiapp.com. It would be a good idea for you to look at this and perhaps speak with other people who have had similar experiences with autism in order to see how they have dealt with getting into a relationship.

There is also an online meet-up group. These are people who get together for various shared interests, with such diverse topics as history tours, mystery walks, restaurant visits and many more. I haven’t been able to discover if there are groups around the country, but the Dublin site is meetup.com/find/ie–dublin/social-activities.

I am so happy that you have a good attitude to life when you say that you have had a fair deal so far. A positive attitude makes such a difference in our dealings with other people, and it is amazing what a smile can do.

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