How to help a friend in a domestic violence relationship

05/05/2024

If you think a friend or loved one might be experiencing domestic violence, not knowing exactly how to act or what to do to help can leave you feeling helpless.

But friends and family can play a huge role in supporting loved ones facing these issues and helping them to safety.

What’s the first thing to say? I believe you.

She doesn’t want to call the police? Don’t force her. Talk about shelter services instead.

A teenage boy is acting toxic? Call it out.

We put some FAQs to Aboriginal matriarchs with a wide range of expertise in this area. Here’s their advice for all women.

What do I say to a friend who tells me they’re experiencing DV?

Keeping it simple is the best way to start.

This advice comes from Wiradjuri woman Stacey Gately who is the operations manager at Jenny’s Place women’s shelter in Newcastle.

Nobody expects their friend to have all the answers or be a professional counsellor, Stacey says, but “acknowledging and believing what they’re saying” is crucial.

“The generic numbers are always really helpful — 1800RESPECT is a good port of call because then they have access to lots of different service options.”

Cheryl Kickett-Tucker is a Whadjuk Noongar traditional owner and the director of research and development at Koya Aboriginal Corporation. She maintains it’s important to not be too bossy.

“When you’re walking with people in life, you’ve got to walk beside people who are traumatised, you don’t walk in front and drag them, and you don’t walk behind and push. You walk beside them,” she says.

“You can only grab their hand when they extend their hand and that’s the hard bit – getting the clues when you can grab their hand.”

It’s a sentiment shared by Stacey who says how you react to those clues is very important.

“Often women will test the waters,” she said.

“They might have a conversation or make a comment and just see how that’s received by the other person … The most important thing is to let them know that you believe them and that you’re there to help them.”

How can I be respectful of the unique challenges First Nations women face when experiencing DV?

Ronnie Gorrie is a Gunai Kurnai woman who spent a decade in the Queensland Police Force in the 2000s.

Due to Australia’s violent colonial history and past racist legislation that led to the Stolen Generations, Ronnie says Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women often avoid calling Triple-0 because of “deep mistrust” and “intense fear” of child removal or being arrested themselves.

“We don’t call police at first,” Ronnie said.

“We call our families when we have conflict.”

When police are called to a home after an incident, Ronnie explains it is common that First Nations women are misidentified as the perpetrator because while some men act calm, women are often distressed as they express what they’ve gone through.

“We can be deemed as ‘angry Black women’ when actually we’re in fear,” she said.

“It happens with multicultural (women) as well.”

A 2019 study by Yuin woman Dr Marlene Longbottom found much of the research that guides domestic violence policy is based upon Western concepts of trauma. The First Response Project highlights how the fear, shame and stigma women may feel can prevent disclosure of intimate partner violence. This can be compounded for First Nations women due to systemic racism and traumatising experiences with police, legal and health services.

Like many women, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women have a fear of not being believed, according to Stacey, who has worked in women’s shelters for 20 years.

“If someone does disclose to you that they’re experiencing domestic violence, it’s deeply important that you let them know that you believe them,” Stacey said.

Stacey adds there are not enough culturally sensitive services that understand the layers of complexities First Nations women face.

In some cases, survivors who have grown up with family violence don’t realise it is not lawful.

“Often it can be not always having the knowledge that what they’re experiencing is, in fact, not okay, against the law or should look different,” she said.

How do I help a friend escape DV?

When women leave, it’s when they’re in the most danger.

“When you look at the rates of domestic violence-related homicide, overwhelmingly they leave in that period where the power and control dynamic is changing,” Stacey said.

“That is when someone’s leaving or taking that control back away from the perpetrator.”

This contemplation stage can be “catastrophic” and “lead to lethality” so it’s important a service, like Jenny’s Place, is engaged to help plan the escape and navigate the support and court systems if needed.

“If they are planning on leaving a violent relationship, (the specialist service) would do a safety plan with that woman to make sure that it’s done as safely as possible,” she said.

How can I help my friend who has just moved into a women’s shelter?

Many women arrive at a refuge with just the clothes on their backs.

“Ask what they actually need and don’t presume that they do need something or, that they aren’t capable of doing that themselves,” Stacey said, adding that shelters often rely on community donations.

“It might be clothes, it might be a new phone to change the number because for some women they’re being tracked on their phone.”

Shelters make sure practical items like deodorant and tampons are readily available.

“We try to keep some dignity in that space,” Stacey said, so women don’t have to ask.

She adds that leaving everything behind is especially hard for mums, so you could ask if they need anything to help maintain a sense of normalcy for their kids.

“Think about it from a child’s perspective,” she said.

“They’ve left all of their beautiful toys.”

How can I talk to a male friend or family member about his bad behaviour?

Stacey says, depending on your relationship with both individuals, “don’t go home from a from a dinner party where you’ve seen behaviours that don’t sit right with you,” and call it out in a safe way because “you could save someone’s life”.

Ronnie says it’s a tough one, but she will always call it out.

“I just tell them it’s not on, it’s not right,” she said.

“Be supportive to the victim … Be that support network for her because what (abusers) do is try to isolate her and tell her not to make contact with her family.”

You can tell them to contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au — a national counselling, information and referral service to help men who use violence and abuse to change their behaviour.

How do I talk to my young or teenage son about domestic violence and bad behaviour?

Cheryl does a lot of work in the Aboriginal youth sector. Her advice on how to speak to teenage boys or young men about domestic violence is clear.

“How they treat their grandma is exactly how they need to treat young women: with the utmost respect,” she said.

“Their grandmothers are in a different light, so highly elevated and revered that they’re almost untouchable. They need to treat young girls exactly the same way.

“The Aboriginal ways is we have we our protocols … We have to honour our grandparents, particularly the grandmothers because they have radiating features.

“Their love and their affection reaches right out.

“Treat those girls in that same sort of manner.”

How do I have a conversation with my boss about domestic violence leave from work?

You are entitled to 10 days of paid family and domestic violence leave annually. The legislation kicked in in February this year for large organisations, while smaller businesses will have an additional six months to prepare. But you don’t need to disclose the details to your employer.

“It is about knowing your rights and what’s available to you,” Stacey said.

“The leave cannot be named as ‘DV leave’ so there’s a lot of discretion, even on your pay slip it doesn’t say ‘domestic violence leave’, it should say something else such as ‘other leave’ or ‘special leave’.”

Right now, you can access the Escaping Violence Payment which is up to $1,500 in cash (or cash equivalent based on your needs and preferences) and up to $3,500 in goods and services such as removalists, bonds or basics for a new home. This was a pilot program introduced in 2022 and, this week, the government announced it’ll make it permanent from July next year with a new name: the Leaving Violence Program.

What to do if you feel the police are not helping?

Ronnie says if a friend has confided in you about domestic violence, offer to join them as a support person while they give a statement to police.

“Be a witness as to how the victim’s being treated (by police),” she said.

“In the event police don’t do anything, the victim has a witness that they weren’t being supported.”

How can I best support a friend with a disability who is experiencing DV?

Aunty June Riemer is a Gumbaynggirr woman from the north coast of New South Wales and has worked in the disability community sector for over 40 years.

She explains the more intersectionality a person has, the harder it is to get appropriate help.

“There was this narrative of people with disability weren’t worthy of being a whole person or participating in society,” she said.

“When you’re seen as a second-rate person, you become vulnerable in your communities.”

Women with disability in Australia are twice as likely to have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15 than women without disabilities, according to OurWatch.

Australian Institute of Health and Welfare data shows about one in 20 women living with disability have experienced economic abuse by their partner.

“Those living with a disability pension might be the only person with an income coming into that family,” Aunty June said.

“So, they’re vulnerable to coercive control. Violence isn’t just physical.”

Aunty June says simple actions of having an “open door policy” and telling a friend “they are worthy” and that you’re there to help connect them with services to help them feel less isolated.

As well as 1800-RESPECT, “there are different helplines like 13-YARN,” she said.

“Allowing a space where they feel comfortable to have that (confidential) conversation – like a yarning circle.”

What do I do if my friend goes back to their abuser?

While it can be easy for friends and family to ask, “Why would she go back?”, Stacey encourages people not to judge.

“For some women, they feel like it is their only option,” she said.

“Particularly when you’re looking at the housing crisis and cost of living.”

Children are often a reason a woman may choose to return to living with an abusive partner because they would prefer to be in the home to supervise rather than “hand over their children to a perpetrator”.

“It’s not about judging someone for their decisions,” she added.

“A woman is best placed to make that judgement call, it’s really about meeting them where they’re at and trying to help them to safety and keep their children safe.”