Gary Barlow 'angry' about death of daughter Poppy and admits he can't find peace

Gary Barlow is still “angry” about the tragic passing of his daughter Poppy and admits he has struggled to find “peace” in the last 12 years.

The 53-year-old singer and his wife Dawn’s fourth child Poppy arrived into the world stillborn in August 2012, just a few days before he was due to perform at the closing ceremony of the London Olympics with Take That. In a rare moment of public reflection about the effect Poppy’s passing has had on him, Gary told how he has never really been able to process the loss of his baby girl, and he still feels a sense of bitter injustice that it had to happen to his family.

Gary said: “I don’t talk about this in great detail and I literally don’t because I’m still kind of figuring it out a little bit. My wife’s emotions were completely different to mine. I’ve been angry for a long time about that, I haven’t really found peace with it yet.”

Gary feared that Poppy’s death could lead to him and Dawn, 54, splitting it up, as many couples who have experienced such a loss can’t work past it. But, in fact, the Back For Good songwriter and former dancer Dawn – who have three other children, Daniel, Emily and Daisy – grew closer as a couple.

Speaking on The Imperfects podcast, where people bravely share their struggles and imperfections, Gary said: “We had a worrying statistic when it happened to us, something like 95 percent of couples split up when something like that happens to them. I think it comes down to men deal with it differently than the women do. My wife does far better than I do, she’s a much stronger person than I am. She’s really been amazing throughout it.

“We’re one of the lucky couples because for us it’s brought us ever closer together and we do have three other children as well and that’s helped us. The youngest one wasn’t affected at all by it, but the older two still talk about it a lot. It’s a highly complex thing that none of us should ever have to go through. I guess it’s made me stronger, I think so. I think things like that have to, don’t they? There was definitely a point where I wondered if we’d ever be back to where we were before but I think we have got there.”

Gary admits he has found some solace in his music, and every time he performs with Take That he thinks about Poppy. The musician – who penned his solo song Let Me Go in Poppy’s memory – said: “For me, usually my way around most things in life is not talking about them, I write music.

“I’ve got lots of music that keeps her alive for me on a nightly basis. When I see audiences singing along, that’s the life for me, that’s what she brought and it’s here in front of me and it happens a few times a week on stage and that’s the way I keep her close to me. My wife has another set of techniques she uses.”

Gary has paid tribute to his Dawn, his spouse of 24 years, describing her as the most amazing woman and a constant support in his life. He shared: “She’s really special, really special. She’s a no nonsense mum. She brought our kids up, I don’t. I do this job which is bloody all encompassing, I travel all round the world, she gave up her job to bring our kids up. Letter dreams to one side and I got to do mine still. She’s done a brilliant job, everyone who meets our kids always says how great they are. She’s a wonderful woman, she’s pretty tough on me, I’ve got to be honest.”

Gary Barlow

Gary also used the Australian podcast appearance to speak about his bulimia and eating disorders of the past and the detrimental effects of fame. Looking back he said: “I did a solo thing like Robbie did after the band, his went gangbusters and mine sold, like, four copies. So I found myself the first month of 1999 I didn’t have a record deal, and I’m 25, where do I go from here? What am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

“I spent the first year blaming everyone, I spent the next year blaming myself and then I spent the third year trying to figure out what am I gonna do next? It’s when you realise that music qualifies you for nothing in this world. What happened in that period was I definitely turned to food as a way of checking out. Eating until I couldn’t feel anything. I was never one for drugs, I never really did drugs, I never really was one for drink really either, so food was the thing.

Gary Barlow pictured in 1999

“Over a year or so I put on a lot of weight, very quickly. The great thing was, though, I realised I was really smart because I put all this weight on and nobody recognised me anymore. So I put a bit more on, I was slowly killing the pop star and it was wonderful, I could walk anywhere, it was absolutely great. I had quite a buzz cut, I had this big round face. It’s funny what the mind does, because the mind was telling me, ‘You are doing a great job here.’ But those pictures, I look behind them now and there was so much sadness there, there really was. I didn’t want to be that guy, I was never meant to be him, I wanted to be the guy that was inside trying to get out.

“When I reached a point of size, it was uncomfortable being so big, also my wife is a very beautiful woman, she was a dancer, she’s got a gorgeous figure, I felt embarrassed. I couldn’t work out how to get rid of all this so I used to make myself sick. So we would go out for Chinese, and within 20 minutes I’d eaten so much that I couldn’t feel anything anymore, but it’s OK, because when I get back I’ll get rid of it all, I can eat as much as I want here, this is fantastic.

“Nobody knew, I didn’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t believe I was here, I used to go to a bathroom, we had a big house and I would go to a bathroom that was at the furthest point of the house where nobody would ever find me or hear me and I just remember being in there going, ‘What am I doing? How did I get here?’ I couldn’t believe I’d got there. This went on for a couple of years and I was really good at hiding it. It’s amazing how devious you can become, I was literally at the point where every meal now I could get rid of it quickly. It wasn’t a time where I could go and see anyone, but I knew it had to stop.”

• If you have been affected by this story, advice and support can be found at Féileacáin, a not for profit organisation that provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby during or after pregnancy. Their helpline is run by trained professionals, and bereaved parents on 085 249 6464.

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