Dear Dáithí: 'My wife is mad because I'm texting a female co-worker - but it's completely innocent'
Dear Dáithí,
My wife used my phone recently while I was out of the room, and found text thread between me and a friend from work.
Let me emphasise, there is nothing romantic going on between us, I have never tried to hide the texts or anything like that. I honestly don’t see the big deal.
My co-worker and I have a very similar sense of humour, she is great fun to be around, we have the same tastes in TV shows and books, and we often banter back and forth over something that happened in the office.
It makes work much more pleasurable and it’s only a bit of fun.
My wife freaked out, saying I am having an “emotional affair” and that’s worse than having sex with the colleague. I lost my temper then, and accused her of being jealous and not allowing me to have my own friends. I feel it shouldn’t matter what gender my friend is, and my wife is being ridiculous.
She gave up her job two years ago as childcare was costing more than she was earning, and I think she’s taking her feelings of frustration out on me – unfairly.
Am I wrong?
This is a very tricky one this week and I need to be very careful, as emotions are running high and there are no real straight lines when it comes to your answer or situation. I can see both sides here and why both of you think you’re right and, in one sense, you are.
Yes, you should be allowed to have female friends who you shoot the breeze with on the phone and chat about the TV shows you both like — if there is no “extracurricular activity”, of course.
In one sense, this is a relatively new thing as the phones we have now are always with us and we can contact anyone at any time. This is one of the side issues that may come with them.
Your wife felt threatened when she saw you having fun with another woman, no matter how innocent it is, and she got worried. She got worried because she cares and loves you.
I’m doing a course at the moment and “sources of conflict” came up a few weeks back , and that might explain what happened here. The lecturer used the “Scarf” model to explain what happened. S is for status, C for certainty, A for Autonomy, R for relatedness, and F for fairness — in this case, all within your relationship.
If we start with status. Your wife’s status within your relationship has been rocked by these messages, so that’s why she reacted the way she did.
This leads us on to certainty. There is an uncertainty now in her mind after seeing the messages, uncertain about what happened and what might happen going forward.
On your side, autonomy comes into play and you now think you’re not allowed to have friends like this and feel controlled, and that is not nice at all either
The relatedness is a very important one, as now your wife feels like she is outside the gang — a very lonely place to be. She doesn’t feel relative to the group you are in and, finally, both of you feel that this is all unfair and both are right.
Sorry, I did get a bit technical there, but I think it is important to see where this is coming from and when we know this we can go back and try and work it out.
This isn’t to be taken as a 4-1 to her, but it might explain her reaction a little better. I think you both need to discuss the above, be very honest with your answer, and explore the reason behind the reasons.
A lot of time, things from the past might surface which can lead to other insights and might also be another source of unhappiness that might explain what’s going on
Outside of all of this, your wife is at home with the kids, and this can be a very tough place to be especially when you’re after giving up your job to do it. I know from experience that mothers who work outside the house feel guilty that they’re not at home more and mothers who are at home feel they should be out earning money, so we have all this going on too and important to remember this.
Throw social media into the mix where your wife might be seeing friends of hers out working and what looks like having a good time and again, she is outside another gang. It important you speak to her about this too and let her know that you understand this.
Look, you haven’t done anything wrong really. If you were trying to hide this, I’d be worried and I don’t think you’d write in to me if there was anything going on.
I do believe you, but you’re not married to me and its not a “getting her to believe you” thing, because when you explain you lose. If it is a deal breaker for your relationship, just stop.
Your family is away more important than a few text messages, but I don’t think it will come to that. Once you both go back over the sources of this, I think the picture will become a lot clearer. Once you have that, it’s time to move on.
We must remember what happens in our heads is always a lot worse than what happens in reality, the problem is we live in our heads far too much, but the key here is reality.
You both must find out what that reality is. Don’t mind what has been said, people say stupid things when they’re angry and upset. You’re embarrassed you lost your temper and I’m sure she feels the same about her actions. Learn from all of this and, as I’ve said, move on!
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