For the love of money: Have financial conversations often to strengthen relationship

“We spent how much on that?”

Money is an emotionally charged topic, so it is no surprise that many couples fight about it. In a survey by Orion, 42% of American adults said they have disagreements about money with their partners and 27% said it happens as frequently as weekly or monthly.

Why does money cause so much tension in a relationship?

This can partially be explained by recognizing that money is a complex topic and manifests itself differently in our experiences and memories.

To some, money may symbolize freedom, power and joy. Others may associate money with shame, greed and sin. Many of our biases around money are set before we are even out of grade school and are further shaped by our life experiences along the way.

Everyone has a past with money, so when people couple up in a marriage or partnership, there is often a disconnect on their view and they must work together to find common ground.

Here are four steps couples can take to have more productive discussions about money:

▪ Discuss your past experiences with money.

Be curious about and try to understand your partner’s past experiences with money. It’s good to ask questions like: “What do you remember learning from your parents about money?” “What is something you are proud of financially?” “What is something you regret?”

It’s important to withhold judgment and let your partner share their story. Understanding your partner’s history will help you understand why they are the way they are with money and what is driving their feelings behind it. This creates a good foundation to start from as the two of you move forward together.

▪ Have “money talks” on a regular basis.

Couples should talk about money often: at least monthly or even weekly. Discuss your financial priorities as a family and where you stand. The key is to set aside time to do it or it is less likely to happen.

These talks don’t have to be an hour-long comprehensive review; rather a discussion of upcoming expenses, any short-term goals you are working on and what long-term savings look like. If you are saving up for something specific, like a vacation or a remodel, check in on savings balances and celebrate your progress.

Always approach these conversations with openness, empathy and curiosity, as opposed to fear or blame. Remember that you are on the same team and are working together for the greater good.

▪ Evaluate all household duties and determine who is responsible for them.

Handling the household finances is a chore and usually one person in the couple bears the brunt of the responsibility. There is nothing inherently wrong with that if the other spouse is privy to what is going on, has a baseline understanding of the situation and agrees on the couple’s common goals.

It’s also important to note that this can be a draining and time-consuming chore that may cause resentment or decision fatigue for the person handling it all. Be sure to review all the other household chores and decide who is responsible for them. There seems to be a lot of “unspoken” rules and expectations on who does what, so it is better to address them directly and proactively.

As family dynamics change, the allocation of responsibilities should be revisited. For instance, when children are brought into the family, household responsibilities increase dramatically and often fall on one person in the relationship. This uneven distribution of responsibilities can cause bitterness and additional stress that can hamper communication.

▪ Create a vision you can both get behind.

Work together to create a compelling vision of what you want your life to look like. You can do this on a vision board or jot down short- and long-term goals for your family. Whenever you start to argue about money, zoom out and consider the big picture. Is this behavior getting you closer to your family goals or further away? That can help put the day-to-day money conversations and arguments into perspective.

By having transparent money conversations proactively, couples can address issues sooner, prevent expensive mistakes and avoid future money-related problems.

Jamie Bosse, CFP, RFC is a financial planner at Aspyre Wealth Partners and is an active member of the Financial Planning Association of Greater Kansas City. She is the author of the Milton the Money Savvy Pup Children’s book series and Money Boss Mom, Helping Young Parents Be the Boss of Their Financial Future.

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