4 Deal-Breakers Wife Negotiated With Husband Before Life as Stay-at-Home-Mom

A woman agreed to be a stay-at-home-mom but on her terms. She had a list of four demands.

A woman has shared her list of the four important things she negotiated with her husband before agreeing to become a stay-at-home mom.

Anna E, who describes herself as an American expat living in Europe with her husband and infant child, had planned on returning to full-time work after their baby was born. "I tried going back to work six months after my baby was born, but it was exhausting, and I felt like I was doing a bad job at both," Anna told Newsweek.

"My employer even offered to pay for a nanny if I came back, but I realized I wanted to spend time with my baby. My husband brought up the idea of staying home, and at first I was like 'no way.'"

The Pew Research Center said that, in 2021, 18 percent of parents in the U.S. did not work for pay. However, there is a clear gender divide regarding stay-at-home parents, with the same analysis finding 26 percent of mothers and just 7 percent of fathers take on this role.

Anna was initially hesitant to follow suit, but the more they discussed the idea, the more she warmed to becoming a stay-at-home mom but on her own terms. "I started to seriously think about taking time off when I realized we could make it fair," Anna said.

This fairness involved reaching an agreement with her partner on several important points. Anna outlined the four deal-breakers in a video shared to TikTok under the handle @with__a__k.

Firstly, Sundays would be her rest day. Anna and her husband both agreed that each of them should have a day off at the weekend. Anna said: "Having at least one day with him as the 'primary parent' has really made him appreciate my job."

Secondly, household chores would continue to be split evenly between the two parents. "We split household duties before having a kid, when I was working full time," Anna wrote. "Taking care of a kid is definitely a full-time job."

Thirdly, Anna said she wanted them to take turns cooking. While in the past she was the one who made dinner while her husband cleaned up, splitting duties would give her "some much-needed time off and relaxation" after a day of child care.

Finally, Anna stressed the importance of "maintaining financial independence," despite her change of circumstances. "We split the disposable household income and I manage my own finances," she said.

Anna added that she is enjoying life as a stay-at-home mom more than she "ever could have imagined."

"Spending time with my family is worth more than any amount of money to me," Anna said. "But I also realize it's an incredible privilege to have this choice."

However, Anna said she is keen to stress that transition would not have worked without her non-negotiables in place. "I still need to be treated like an equal partner in our marriage, and that is really the primary benefit, I think, without that resentment can build in a relationship," she added. "That could also happen if I was working and had to do more of the unpaid care work, as it's called. I hear that from a lot of women."

Having learned from the pandemic that maybe work is not everything, Anna said she is planning to take a few years off but may one day return to her career. Though she appreciates her situation is unique, she would encourage anyone contemplating becoming a stay-at-home parent to have the conversation she had with her husband.

"It really has not much to do with being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom," Anna said. "It's more about having an equal partnership where the housework work doesn't default to women. That would be real progress."

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