The agony... and THEN the ecstasy: JANE FRYER questions if Gareth Southgate has finally jump started his £1.5bn team - after Jude Bellingham's unbelievable last-minute equaliser in triumph over Slovakia

We could, of course, start by totting up a few positives.

That after all that hot, sticky, continental weather, we've finally got some nice, soothing drizzle in Gelsenkirchen.

That Phil Foden is safely back on the wing after nipping home for the birth of his third child.

And that, somehow, despite there having been not one really golden moment, we had qualified for the knock-out stages, at the top of our group.

But as the national anthems fade and whistle blasts in the Veltins Arena, there's only one burning question for England fans – have our £1.5 billion team finally found their form?

Bad habits? Singer Ed Sheeran shows his concern for England during Sunday's match as the national team slipped 1-0 down against Slovakia early on

The agony: After yet another floppy, sloppy start from England and a blizzard of yellow cards – Slovakia scored in the 25th minute, much to the disappointment of England fans

Let's bloody well hope so. Because Gareth Southgate has certainly tried everything – and, increasingly, anything – to jump-start his squad into life.

Starting with encouragement, praise, hugs and some fun, bonding games at their luxury training camp.

And when that didn't work, there were what he referred to as 'candid words'. Promises of a 'different England' and, one would hope, a bit of healthy shouting.

But still nothing.

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So, in desperation, last Friday Mail Sport launched its We're Backing England campaign in a bid to unite the country behind the team and show we cared.

And the day after – clearly spotting a good idea when he saw one – Southgate pleaded with the nation to 'get behind England' because they were young and struggling and needed love and support.

Some fans went even further, and pinned their hopes on a fortune-telling Tawny Eagle called Honey, who predicted a win.

And Mr Motivator, aka 71-year-old Derrick Evans, got involved, making the team a special video in which he pretended to be riding a horse to victory and promised them 'we love you, no matter what'.

Which is not quite how I would describe the sentiment when – after yet another floppy, sloppy start from England and a blizzard of yellow cards – Slovakia scores in the 25th minute.

Oh blimey, sometimes it all just feels too much supporting our national team.

It's bad enough being one of the 19 million watching at home. But pity Prime Minister Rishi Sunak watching at Tory party headquarters and having to hold his face nicely for the picture he has to tweet, win or lose.

They thought it was all over, we thought it was all over...Katie Bio, partner of striker Ivan Toney, holds their son as she and midfielder Conor Gallagher’s partner Aine May Kennedy celebrate the nail-biting win that (finally) came

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Particularly because, as the first half trudges on, they just don't seem to want it badly enough or be properly hungry for it.

Certainly, on my sofa, after half an hour we're all looking forward to halftime. To the moment when, for once, softy Southgate, surely totally loses it.

Screams at them from the sidelines. Threatens them with electric shock treatment.

Because even if they don't care, he's got plenty riding on it. This is his 99th game managing England and he's desperate to stay.

And not just because of the football, but because, by his own account, he's also doing rather well in a Padel tournament back at their luxury basecamp and is keen to reach the final.

But when the second half starts, he might as well have had a nice catch-up with the team and a game of UNO, because nothing's changed. No new players. No new energy. Certainly no fresh hope.

Yes, Foden's woefully offside goal adds a brief spurt of energy – and gets Southgate up and chewing gum like a maniac, and the Slovakian coach waving and shouting in his impossibly tight trousers.

And Cole Palmer – when he's finally brought on – is a lovely bouncy powerhouse.

But I can't think of much to say about the rest of them. Of course, we could blame the ITV curse – the fact that England have won just 25 per cent in the 31 matches aired on the channel since 1998 – but that doesn't feel fair.

And surely, they can't all be tired again. They're top athletes, for goodness' sake.

Family celebrations: Kyle Walker with wife Annie Kilner and their son Rezon

Whatever, on we stumble, until we're all screaming: 'For God's sake, Southgate, scrap the plan! Substitute! Make some changes, please. Anything. It's not working.

'Even if you won't change your favourite cream jumper, at least change the bloody players.'

Suddenly, it's 20 minutes to go. One nil down to a team worth a tenth of ours and we're heading out of the Euros.

Twelve minutes left and the ITV commentators tell us that England have not had one shot on target against the 45th-ranked team in the world.

Tick, tick tick...

Rishi Sunak punches his fist in the air in delight as England pull off an unbelievable win

Equaliser! Jude Bellingham finally gets England on equal footing with Slovakia with just seconds to go before the end of the match

Six minutes left, and surely now Gareth is now planning his exit, resigning himself to the fact he'll never make it to 100 matches or finish his Padel tournament, and mentally packing his hopes, dreams and all those zippy knitted tops.

Then, suddenly, on the 95th minute, just as we're beginning to forget about football and think about Wimbledon, the world stops.

Because Jude Bellingham shows us why he's the hottest property in Europe with a sublime bicycle kick goal and it's 1-1.

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And that's not all.

Barely three minutes later, before the crowd have even got really going on 'Hey Jude', and after a shocker of a match, captain Harry Kane bangs in a lovely little header to make it 2-1.

And then, slowly, the world starts turning again.

Gareth mentally unpacks all his zippy tops and settles in for his 100th game as manager.

Rishi tweets a picture of himself celebrating the goal alongside the words: 'It's not over until it's over.'

Honey the eagle preens her feathers in a rather smug fashion.

And the rest of us sit slack-jawed, trying to work out what just happened and wondering how on earth we put ourselves through anything like that, ever again.

See you at the quarters against Switzerland on Saturday. If you can take it.

Additional reporting: Andy Dolan