‘My stepmother makes me feel unwelcome’: I bought a house for my father in 2008, but now he wants me to sign over a 50% share for his third wife

‘My stepmother makes me feel unwelcome’: I bought a house for my father in 2008, but now he wants me to sign over a 50% share for his third wife

Dear Quentin,

My father has always been a great father, and a generous person.

My mother left my father when I was 11. That left my father to care for me and my two younger siblings as best he could. While I was in my teens, my father remarried, and he helped her raise his second wife’s four young children. He moved into their house, and we stayed in our house that we grew up in. My father worked hard and generously provided for his new family; his middle-income construction-trade salary was enough to provide necessities, but it was never enough for him to save for his own retirement. My father and his second wife lived together for more than 20 years, raising her children and grandchildren who recognized my father as their “grandpa.”

During the housing crash of 2008, my father was 65 years old, and he asked me to help him get out of the house he was renting and into a house that he could purchase rather than lease. This required that I find a home, put down the 20% down payment and find a mortgage that would allow me to buy the house as a second home. I got a great deal on a small three-bedroom, two-bathroom house, and I got a 15-year mortgage with payments less than 50% what my father was paying in rent previously. My father was grateful, and our agreement was that he would make payments on the home and that the house would always stay in my name.

My father’s third wife

Now my father is 78 and he is remarried again. His third wife is 15 years younger than him. He still works small construction projects and collects Social Security. My new stepmother has three adult children; one son lives with them 80% of the year and doesn’t pay rent. The home that we bought for less than $50,000 is now worth about $200,000; it could sell for more, but the home has not been well maintained and will need some upgrades to get close to the market value of $250,000 for similar homes. The mortgage balance is now less than $7,000 and he has two years left on the mortgage. I have had to make the mortgage payment on a few occasions.

He has been married to his third wife for three years; she has asked him where she will live when he passes. Lately, my father is bringing up the topic more frequently and even asked me to sign over the house to his current wife. I told him that I didn’t believe “handing over” the house to his third wife was a good idea, because she doesn’t currently work. Even now, I visit and have to fix the lights and toilets, and change the filters in the home. I’m not close with my current stepmother; she is not a good communicator and I have chosen not to stay in the room that was set aside for me at the house, because my stepmother makes me feel unwelcome.

Dismay with current situation

Now my father is getting to a place in his life where he cannot work the same hours and duration he used to as a young man; he also realizes that he should retire to a place that is more affordable and allows him to live off his Social Security. He suggested Mexico, but my stepmother doesn’t want to move to Mexico with my father. I have offered to rent the house, manage it and send anything left over to my father in his retirement, which I estimate would be about $1,000 a month. My father has now floated the idea of selling the current house and splitting the proceeds 50/50 between him and me.

I am not excited about this idea because I don’t think it’s possible to build or buy a home for $80,000 to $100,000. I am also dismayed at the idea that my current stepmother is thinking of herself rather than my current wife and my own children’s inheritance. This situation has affected my relationship with my father. I don’t stay with my father when I visit from out of town, and I am not as eager to visit them. I believe that my stepmother could go back to her living arrangements that she had before she met my father — living with her oldest daughter. I am still taking care of my mom.

Should I be concerned about my stepmother’s well-being if and when my father passes away, or is that the responsibility of her children?

The Son

Dear Son,

You are your stepmother’s stepson — not her stepfather.

He has done a lot for his children, his second wife and her family, and now his third wife, and you have learned a lot from him too. You did him a big favor by buying him a house, and you did yourself a favor by making a smart investment and having a tenant for life who you are pretty sure will pay the rent on time, give or take those times when your father was between jobs. From what you say, you all could have been more on top of the maintenance and upgrade issues, but there’s only so much intervention from you that would have been welcome, given that your father lived there with his two successive wives and their families.

But — you knew this was coming — this is the most important sentence in your letter: “My father was grateful, and our agreement was that he would make payments on the home and that the house would always stay in my name.” Gratitude, alas, fades with time. People forget. They don’t always do it intentionally, but priorities and needs sometimes change, along with the times. Your father feels a sense of ownership over the house given that he has lived there for so many years, and he feels a sense of responsibility toward his third wife; she, in turn, appears to be putting pressure on him. You had an agreement. It was clear. Stick to it.

No good deed goes unpunished

Your father has been married for three years. If he had been married for 20 years, I would be more inclined to say, “She has been in your life for most of your adult years, so you could allow her to stay in your home for the remainder of her life if she continues to pay rent.” You can still do that with this wife, of course, but I have a few warnings in the event this situation arises: (i) you should put everything down in writing, including the rental agreement; (ii) specify an eviction process if she fails to maintain the property; and (iii) don’t expect anything in return aside from the monthly rent. No good deed goes unpunished, as the old — and often true — saying goes.

In other words, treat this as a business arrangement. Your stepmother has her own joys and concerns and, yes, resentments. She doesn’t make you feel welcome in your own home, perhaps because she feels under a compliment living there and/or maybe due to the fact that she has heard grumblings from your father about your reluctance to give him 50% ownership of this property. That’s another smart decision: You have stuck to your guns, but you have not reacted or exploded or gotten on your high horse about how you have done so much for your father over the years — only to be made to feel like you are somehow less than generous.

Your legal and moral obligations

Your stepmother is not owed anything by you or your father, except what the intestate laws in your state dictate, assuming your father predeceases her and dies without a will. Your property is providing shelter to one person in your family, and two people to whom you have no blood relationship. Her adult son lives there rent-free 80% of the year; that’s their choice. You are not responsible for your stepmother. That is the job of your stepmother’s children. If and when your father dies, assuming they are still married, your stepmother should make alternative arrangements for her accommodations. As I said, it’s not your job to be your stepmother’s stepfather.

You should make your decision based on four factors: (i) legal obligations, (ii) moral obligations, (iii) goodwill and (iii) your own financial needs and desires. You have no legal obligations to your father’s third wife. Save your moral obligations for your own mother; she may need long-term care in the future. Whatever goodwill may have existed at one time has been squandered by your stepmother making you feel unwelcome. You may wish to set up a college fund for your children, renovate your home, build a swimming pool in your backyard or even buy a holiday home. You have the right to make any or all of these plans after your father is gone.

You are currently both landlord and handyman — that is enough.

Other columns from Quentin Fottrell:

‘I’m not experienced with this amount of money’: I’m about to inherit $850,000. What should I do with my windfall?

‘It’s the saddest thing’: I’m happily retired and my friends in their 60s want to know how I did it. Should I tell them my secret?

I have $68,000 in credit-card debt and $50,000 in a 401(k). How can I dig myself out of this trap on a $55,000 salary?

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