'Love Him As He Is,' And Other Reminders For Parents On Children's Gender Preferences

‘Love Him As He Is,’ And Other Reminders For Parents On Children’s Gender Preferences

Gender identity in children can be a complex and sensitive topic for parents and families, so it’s quite common for parents to seek guidance and advice from other parents via parent groups and social media platforms.

One parent recently sought advice from the Smart Parenting Village regarding her son. Her post reads:

“Not trying to offend anyone, but at what age did your son express that he wants to be a she? My son is 6 years old and his father has this fear of him being gay. As a mother, hindi ba tayo ang unang makakapansin? My son is studying in an exclusive boys’ school. Okay naman siya, hindi siya brusko kumilos and hindi rin naman mahinhin o malamya. May times lang na ginagawa niya siguro classmates niya na sobrang slang magsalita. May classmates siya na brusko kumilos kaya nacocompare. Again, I don’t mean to offend anyone. I just want to know how early can they express their gender identity or preference, either by formally coming out or through their actions?”

When do children get a sense of their gender identity?

Studies show that gender identity typically develops in stages, with children becoming conscious of physical differences between boys and girls at 2 years old, and can identify themselves as a boy or girl before they turn 3. Most children by the age of 4 have a stable sense of their gender identity.

Research also suggests that children who “assert a gender-diverse identity know their gender as clearly and consistently as their developmentally matched peers.”

Comments from other parents in the Smart Parenting Village Community also highlighted important reminders that other parents should remember when it comes to their child’s gender identity and preferences. Hopefully, these reminders can help parents in fostering a supportive environment for their children.

What parents should remember regarding their child’s gender identity and preferences

There is no set timeline for gender identity expression

One of the crucial things that parents should remember in such conversations is that children may express their gender identity at different stages of life. Some children may show signs early on, while others might not express themselves until later in adulthood. As one parent shares, “There’s no timeline regarding this mommy. Some say na they express it at a very early agfe, some nga late adulthood na nalalaman for themselves. I think as long as hindi siya ang nag-oopen up, hindi siya dapat pangunahan. Pay attention to who he is at present and if dumating na yung point na he opens up about it, doon niyo pag-usapan.” This reminds parents that each child’s journey is unique, and patience is essential.

Create a supportive and non-judgmental environment

The environment a child grows up in can significantly affect how comfortably they can express their gender identity. A parent pointed out, “Just guide your son to be a good person. Talk to your husband about his fear, what is causing the fear, and you both need to address it before your son officially comes out (if he is gay, or if he wants to come out).” This comment highlights the importance for parents to address any biases and fears they might have, in order to create a more open and supportive home environment for their children.

Let children take the lead in their own self-discovery

Many parents emphasized the importance of allowing children to explore their identity at their own pace, without pressure or expectations. “Let your son come out on his own,” advises a parent, indicating that children should feel safe to express themselves in their own time. The parent further shared, “One of my loved ones came out at 25 years old, another at 10 years old, and another at 18 years old. Gay or not, he’s always going to be your son and you won’t love him any less. You don’t have to know. Let him be himself lang,” the parent added, while another said, “Love him as he is now.” Both emphasize how parents should respect their children’s personal development and autonomy.

Observe but don’t assume

Parents are often the first to notice changes in their children, and while this is true, it is also important to observe these changes without making premature assumptions about their identity. One parent said, “Based sa post mo, wala naman ako nakikitang signs or maybe too early to tell pa.” This reminds us that childhood behaviors are not definitive indicators of sexual orientation or gender identity.

Address own concerns and fears as parents

It’s natural for parents to experience concerns or fears regarding their child’s future, especially when it comes to their gender expression and how society will accept them or not. However, parents should remember to reflect on their own fears as doing so can also be enlightening and beneficial. As one parent puts it, “Why is there a ‘fear of him being gay’? Maybe tayo as parents ang dapat magreflect sa thoughts natin. Let’s give our kids the space they need to discover themselves.” Reflecting on our own fears and working through them and our issues can help us better support our children as they grow up and discover themselves.

Love and acceptance, always

Lastly, parents should always remember that unconditional love is the cornerstone of supporting a child through their self-discovery journey. As one parent beautifully said, “Mas mangingibabaw pa rin yung love mo sa anak mo kahit ano pa siya at maging sino pa siya.” Regardless of the child’s gender identity and sexual orientation, parents should always remember that it’s their love and acceptance that remain the most crucial support.

Read here for books that can help your child see beyond gender stereotypes.