What to consider before lending money in a romantic relationship

If you do decide to loan money to a romantic partner, it’s important that you are both clear on the terms, experts say. (Pexels)

Lending money is tricky at the best of times. But it’s even more complicated when it’s your romantic partner asking for a loan.

There are many reasons a romantic partner may need to borrow money, including emergencies, existing debt, or loss of income.

But Kate Lloyd, manager of clinical supervision at Relationships Australia Queensland, says it’s important to consider the problems that can arise.

“It’s not just about money. There is an emotional component [too],” Ms Lloyd says.

“What happens if expectations around the agreement aren’t met? Will that affect your feelings for this person?”

So, what are the risks when lending money in romantic relationships? And how do you say no if it doesn’t feel right?

Why money is a common area of conflict

In her 25 years as a relationship counsellor, Ms Lloyd says money and sexual intimacy are the two topics couples find hardest to talk about.

“Money symbioses a lot of different things to different people,” she says.

“It can symbolise independence and freedom to people. It can be about success and achievement. They can attach status or identity to it.”

Our money values are often shaped by our childhood, and previous experiences, she adds.

Financial educator and author Melissa Browne says whether those values align will play a big part in your decision around loaning money.

“If I’m … someone who is very much about smarts and how to strategically get somewhere [with money] and my partner is a worker, who believes you create success through how hard they work – we might approach money completely differently,” she says.

How you currently manage money as a couple, and whether you’re newly dating or in a long-term relationship, are some factors that will play into your decision to loan money or not.

What to consider when your partner asks to borrow money

Ms Lloyd recommends the following prompts that may help shape your decision:

• What is the other person’s financial history and current situation?
• Have they asked to borrow money before? How did that turn out?
• How long have you been together and what level of trust have you developed? Not just with money, but in general.
• What is your own current financial situation, how much can you afford to lend, if any?
• Could they be trying to scam you?
• Will lending this money create a power imbalance in the relationship?
• If expectations aren’t met, will it impact the relationship?
• Are there other options for this person to get the money?
• Is this a gift or a loan? Can you afford to make it a gift and not have the expectation it be paid back?

If you’re unsure, Ms Lloyd suggests talking to a trusted friend who can provide an unbiased perspective.

A note on financial abuse

Financial abuse happens when someone is excluded from financial decision-making or restricted from accessing money that is rightfully theirs.

It can also involve monitoring someone’s spending, forcing them to buy things, and making them lend money.

“If you feel pressured to say yes or feel fearful [of what could happen] if you don’t say yes … that could be a financial control situation,” Ms Lloyd says.

If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, reach out to 1800 RESPECT for support.

How to protect yourself with lending money to a partner

If you do decide to loan money, it’s important that both you and your partner are clear on the terms.

“It might not feel romantic … but you don’t want to end up with sexually transmitted debt,” Ms Browne says.

She recommends getting the details in writing, even if the loan is informal.

“Maybe ask them to flick you an email so you have in writing how much they are borrowing, and when they will pay you back.”

For bigger amounts, she says you may consider bringing in a lawyer to draw up relevant paperwork.

Ms Browne says asking for transparency is OK, such as seeing pay slips or bank accounts.

“It’s OK to ask them to be transparent with money if they are asking you to loan them money.”

It’s OK to say no

Be clear in your reasons why you don’t want to lend the money, Ms Lloyd suggests.

“The more you are able to be clear and respectful about … what you are thinking and feeling, [the better].

“Think about what their response may be so you can [prepare] for what that might look like.”

Ms Lloyd says it helps to listen and understand your partner’s perspective.

“Find out what is going on for them.”

It might help to know your support doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

“They may want $500, but you offer to lend $200,” Ms Lloyd says.

You can also help in other ways, Ms Browne says. For example, sitting down with them to go through their budget and help come up with a plan.

Ultimately, both Ms Lloyd and Ms Browne say it’s important you feel safe and comfortable to say no.

“If someone can’t hear no… that is a bigger issue,” Ms Lloyd says.

This is general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.