There’s a lot of nodding during conflict statements but trust Galloway to shake things up

George Galloway questions the Government’s response to conflict in the Middle East – JESSICA TAYLOR/UK PARLIAMENT

It’s war! Or maybe not. The PM began his statement on Iran by telling us he’d be telephoning Benjamin Netanyahu later – so hopefully Bibi would let him know. In the meantime, said the PM, Britain shall promote de-escalation by readying the troops.

Keir Starmer agreed without hesitation or thought. That’s how you know he’s ready to lead. After Sir Creosote resumed his seat, Angela Rayner chewed his ear about something obviously very important. Lucy Powell tried her best to hear; Starmer did his best not to listen. I think I made out the words “…just resting in my account…” but I am blissfully ignorant of any trouble affecting Ms Rayner having avoided all news over Easter.

How did I spend my holidays? I’ve taken to entrapping online con artists into sharing naked pictures by pretending I’m a Tory MP. You’d be amazed what people will show you if they think you’re elected and lonely.

There’s a lot of nodding in a conflict statement: Tories at defending Israel, Lefties at avoiding war with Iran. In a galaxy far-far away from this nascent consensus – ie the southwest bench in the Commons – sat George Galloway, Jeremy Corbyn and Claudia Webbe. Not so much a naughty corner as a padded cell. Well, say what you like about Galloway but he really shakes things up. Neither Sunak nor Starmer “have condemned Israel’s destruction of the Iranian consulate in Damascus,” he bellowed – “the proximate reason” for Iran’s drone strike – and why, he suggested, are we rushing to Israel’s aid when we don’t have a military cooperation treaty?

On this point, he isn’t quite correct. We signed one behind closed doors in 2020. Like all British state secrets, you can read about it on the internet.

The Tory benches were outraged; the Labour front bench sat stony-faced as Galloway appeared to give courage to Left-wing MPs to argue that Israel, too, has breached international law and must be advised to stand-down in Gaza. Even Conservative Kit Malthouse was moved to ask “what concrete steps” will be taken to protect Palestinians?

If the mood of the House was shifting strongly against Israel before the Easter break, the Iranian strike recasts Israel as the victim once more, and its plucky stand part of our wider war against the tyrannies of Iran and Russia (though Ben Wallace noted the incongruity that Israel refused to help Ukraine when it was invaded). But many MPs remain unwilling to forget about that messy humanitarian crisis going on in Gaza. Afzal Khan pointed out that one 12-year-old boy had survived a bombing only to be killed when an aid package fell on his head.

The questions kept coming; the Speaker pleaded for brevity, and in Tel-aviv, Netanyahu sat in the dark by the telephone, feeling ignored. In the Commons, Penny Mordaunt glazed over, wondering – if World War Three does break out – if she’ll finally be able to wear her Princess Leia costume with the pin-on hair buns? Ms Rayner, getting nowhere with Keir, slipped off home to crack on with some spring cleaning – and good luck to the poor woman. I hear she has twice as much to do as the rest of us.

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