KENNEDY: Are you one of the millions who've joined America's most vacuous, insufferable, virtue-signaling fad? TJ and Amy have - and that's proof it DOESN'T make you a better person than me

Hey, all you pious Dry January prigs – we’re two weeks into 2024 and already the jig is up.

Your annual exercise in virtue-signaling is exposed.

So give it up, killjoys!

‘The reality is, you can’t simply reset or detox the impacts of alcohol on your health in a month,’ doctors tell DailyMail.com.

So, the next time you turn up at the bar and order a seltzer, I’m going to throw a Stella straight in your face.

Like clockwork, as the new year strikes, chubsicles lumber back to the gym and the most social-media savvy among us announce to the world that we’re going to abstain.

After hitting it hard between Thanksgiving and December 31st – beers, blunts, hookers and fondue – the usual suspects, understandably, try to assuage their guilty consciences.

But if you spent December smelling like a distillery, come February you’re probably going to be drinking until you drop once again.

People who participate in Dry January are 47% more likely to drinking more.

You know where I got that statistic?

I made it up!

Is there any better evidence of this absurdity than the newest Dry January converts – adulterers T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach?

The next time you turn up at the bar and order a seltzer, I’m going to throw a Stella straight in your face.

But we all know that briefly revitalizing your liver doesn’t make you a better person or cure you of your peppermint sins.

It does make you sound annoying every time a waiter asks if you’d like a glass of wine.

‘Oh I can’t because I’m doing DRYYYY JANUARY because I have sooooo much more self-control than yooooouuu.’

Really? Wasn’t that you firing off sexts from the office bathroom at the company holiday party?

Let’s be honest – they’re doing Dry January for the likes.

Is it any surprise this maddening fad wasn’t a thing until Instagram made us all obsessively nosey neighbors, always comparing ourselves to the family next door?

Now, if you are an alcoholic and grandpa’s cough medicine is ruining your life – stop reading now. This column is not for you. But still, it is a terrible idea to go cold turkey to appease the Instagram Gods.

To all the rest of you whiny, moralizers: (Read in slurring voice) Do you think you’re better than me?

Is there any better evidence of this absurdity than the newest Dry January converts – adulterers T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach?

The couple – former Good Morning America hosts – admitted on their podcast that they spent almost $3,000 on booze in December alone.

To all the whiny, moralizers: (Read in slurring voice) Do you think you’re better than me?

Robach claims she downs 30 libations in a week. Holmes said he easily consumes 18 drinks a day!

Now they’re turning over a new leaf. Two weeks sober, they say they’re feeling ‘amazing.’

Well, kudos to you love birds. I’m sure your spurned spouses are cheering you on!

In fairness, I tried Dry January last year. The first two weeks were fine. It didn’t feel like a stretch to slam La Croix with frozen strawberries during the week and Coke Zero on the weekends. But at a wedding, I was throwing back Old Fashioneds and blathering on about my backsliding.

I wish I could go back and punch Kennedy 2023 square in the jaw.

It’s not just liquor that makes these Januarians insufferable, there’s also Veganuary.

For four weeks people swear off meat and bore their friends to tears with nonstop tales of garbanzo beans, butternut squash spaghetti… and don’t get them started on lentils.

These annoying plant-based gas bags turn into actual gas factories – just so they can feel nutritionally superior.

I say to them – try this challenge: go dairyless during pumpkin spice season.

Robach claims she downs 30 libations in a week. Holmes said he easily consumes 18 drinks a day! Now they’re turning over a new leaf. Two weeks sober, they say they’re feeling ‘amazing.’

Of course, I kid. How then would they pose with their $14 basic oat milk latte in an apple orchard while wearing a plaid shirt?

May I also add to this list of irritating social media martyrs those who rescue dogs?

Don’t get me wrong. I admire people who sacrifice their comfort to better the lives of neglected canines who would otherwise go to doggy heaven far too soon.

But if I hear one more nasty gripe about my perfect-in-every-way purebred French bulldog, I swear I will start a puppy mill – just for spite.

Bringing home a three-legged, one-eyed, mangey, mite-ridden, geriatric mutt to teach your brat children a lesson doesn’t make you a saint.

Trying adopting a human. Now, that’s something to post about.

Here’s the truth, if you can quit drinking in January, and pick it up again in February, alcohol addiction is not your problem – it’s social media.

And just because you’re advertising a few weeks of angelic behavior, it doesn’t mean you have engaged in any meaningful, rigorous self-examination.

Although I’m sure if you did, you’d find a way to make a Reel about it.