Over 50 and lonely? You have nothing to be ashamed of

Middle-aged English people are the loneliest in Europe

A study by psychologists has found that middle-aged English people are the loneliest in Europe. The researchers at Arizona State University, who were comparing Europeans with Americans, found that, overall, those stateside were lonelier than their counterparts in Europe. But Englishmen and women reported the highest levels of “midlife loneliness” in Europe.

I’m not surprised. Without the close-knit communities, strident work boundaries and support systems that Mediterranean and Scandinavian societies value so highly, we Britons can be left facing our struggles alone. Add on the working-from-home culture that’s now prevalent and you’ve got all the ingredients for chronic loneliness, a condition that experts warn is the next big health epidemic, worse than smoking.

While my daughter and son’s age group are accused of being snowflakes, incapable of hard work and suffering through life’s hardships with grit and determination like their grandparents did, my generation was taught to tough it out and suppress our feelings. Of course this is a generalisation, but it’s no secret that those of us over 50 tend to be less versed in emotional conversations than millennials and Gen Z who consider therapy as ordinary as going to the gym.

Depending on who you trust with your troubles, reach out to a fellow Gen Xer and you can be met with unhelpful, albeit well-meaning, responses like: “I don’t get it, what have you got to be worried about?” Or, “so and so down the road’s husband just ran off with the nanny – consider yourself lucky!” to which I’d skulk back into my shell and swear never to admit to my inadequacies again. The thing is, being lonely isn’t always apparent from the outside, it’s an invisible cloak that eats away at your wellbeing without anyone knowing, making it more deadly in the long run if you don’t have an outlet to talk about the thing those of us over 50 find so hard to admit: our weaknesses.

I don’t wish to point the finger at Mum and Dad, but Boomers, while some ended up with shiny final-salary pensions, were raised in post-war Britain, when stories of genuine hardship were fresh and visceral. My parents’ generation didn’t complain, they endured and carried on in spite of hardships. The point being that those of us aged between 45 and 65 were unwittingly taught to shut up and put up as our parents had done beforehand. And while the British stiff upper lip comes in useful at times, especially when today’s youngsters can’t seem to make a move without consulting TikTok, one could argue that the careerist, individualised messaging that was peddled to Gen Xers like myself in the 1980s has paved the way for a generation of us who are now relying on our jobs for company.

Annabel Jones’s feelings of aloneness became amplified when her twins left for university – Clara Molden for The Daily Telegraph

When I wrote about the shock I experienced when my children left home for university last September and the loneliness that filled the house shortly thereafter, the comments from men and women my age and older were mixed. Some sympathised deeply and thanked me for shining a light on an issue that isn’t always articulated honestly. Others shamed me for being, well, pathetic. “It’s your job to kick them out of the nest,” one reader insisted, without knowing me. I wasn’t offended as much as I was intrigued by the polarising views of my peers, some of which seemed old-fashioned by today’s standards.

The truth is that loneliness kills. A meta-analysis of 90 studies that examined the links between loneliness, social isolation and early death in more than two million adults, published in June 2023 in the journal Nature Human Behaviour, showed that people who were socially isolated had a 32 per cent higher risk of dying early compared with those who weren’t. Meanwhile, participants who reported feeling lonely were 14 per cent more likely to die early than those who did not. The US Surgeon General is so concerned with the loneliness epidemic, he hit the podcast circuit last year to talk about his advisory report on the healing effects of social connection and community outlining the detrimental health outcomes of loneliness from cardiovascular disease to depression and anxiety.

In December 2022 the UK Government published research investigating factors associated with chronic loneliness amongst adults in England during the pandemic. The paper identified some new predictors of loneliness, looking at things such as internet use (people who used the internet less than once a month were 2.5 times more likely to experience loneliness than people who used it every day). Certain pre-existing predictors of chronic loneliness didn’t change however, including the types of people most affected: LGBTQ+, women, younger people, people with a disability or long-term condition and those who did not live with a partner.

I tick two of those boxes: I’m single and a woman. And yet I can’t say that I attribute my singleness to the problem; I know plenty of married people who feel lonely within their relationships. For me the aloneness became amplified when my twins left for university, something I didn’t properly prepare myself for. Will Harvey, a life coach, says that a lack of preparation for such a big life change is a potential pitfall that can result in a spiral of loneliness if you’re not armed with the tools to manage the transition.

Get a coach 

While psychotherapy can be illuminating for those who want to explore their feelings, coaching, says Harvey, is more action-based and focused on getting you to where you want to be. “Midlife is a common stumbling block for many reasons so it can be helpful to hire a coach at a key junction to help you get unstuck and move past a certain situation, big or small,” he says, adding: “I help my clients subtly shift the arc of their life over a course of time. My job is to hold their hand and go on that walk with them. If it’s done well, coaching should be a fluid process that pulls at threads and unveils your next moves without forcing anything,” he explains.

Harvey’s personal coaching clients usually fall into two camps: those who know what they want and need help putting together a plan, and those who feel lost and unhappy. And yet, he is optimistic. “People know more than they realise. I always start by helping clients to define a few different pillars they’d like to address, whether that be exercise, mental resilience, or finding new ways to socialise. We would then conceptualise how that might look before putting a practical plan into action,” says Harvey.

And while a life coach can be expensive, Harvey says many of his clients hire him in batches of four to eight sessions whenever they need help. “I have clients that hire me whenever the next thing comes up. It can be years in between one set of coaching and another. You learn the tools for life, but there are always times when you need an objective voice to get you through to the next phase.”

Curate the social life you crave 

Gen Xers tend to have family commitments and thus spontaneous socialising is harder to come by, especially if you’re single and your friends are not. Harvey says the way to get past social loneliness is to plan in advance. “It’s easy when you’re on your own to hibernate and stay in your pyjamas all day, but this will only make you feel less connected.” He adds: “The remedy is to make plans three months in advance. That way you have this rolling conveyor belt of interactions that, even if they’re few and far between, give you a sense of connection.”

Reframe your thoughts

“More often than not, it’s actually our thoughts about loneliness and the idea that we are separate from the world around us that further creates this sense itself, however once that thought is gone, it’s more difficult for loneliness to persist. Therefore finding ways to reframe your thinking can in turn help you overcome it,” says Dr Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace. Dr Mort suggests learning self-compassion and gratefulness by building in a meditation practice such as Headspace’s “Reframing Loneliness” course, available on the app. “When we can sit with the mind and see our thoughts clearly, we can get a better sense of what’s going on in the moment. Over time this can help us to better understand loneliness and begin to change our relationship to it,” she explains.

Form new healthy habits 

While joining a community group (there are plenty online) to meet new people can be a good idea for those who are extroverts and simply missing regular connection, for some putting yourself out there is anxiety-promoting. Mhairi Todd, a life coach at Revolve Coaching, says, “Sometimes what we are missing is hidden in plain sight.” She adds: “I have many clients who have a wide friend group that they no longer feel close to. In this instance, be the first to reach out and set up a coffee.” Or, says Todd, deepen your relationships by sharing something honest about yourself. “Being vulnerable is a gateway to connection and makes others feel less alone.”

Befriend yourself 

Loneliness can grow if you let the negative voices in your head get the better of you. Former barrister and confidence coach Daniel Kingsley from Presence Training suggests a simple technique that quiets your inner critic, by listening, empathising, validating then reassuring the negative voices in your head. “Living with a strong inner critic is one of the reasons people don’t like being alone. Once you can acknowledge and comfort that part of you that feels unworthy, the more confident and content you’ll be in your own company,” he says. A trick is to do a basic body scan, he adds. “It’s actually very simple; it’s about getting still and feeling the sensations and emotions that arise in your body and learning to befriend those parts of your psychology that you’ve been pushing away. Anybody can do that with relatively little training.”

Form new healthy habits 

Follow your interests, says Todd. “If you’ve always fancied wild swimming or taking up needlework, now is the time to allow yourself to experiment. Worst-case scenario you’ll discover a hobby you don’t want to continue, best case you’ll come across some like minded enthusiasts and make some meaningful connections.” Will Harvey finds his clients benefit from forming new healthy habits like going for a half-an-hour walk once a day. “Establishing meaningful habits that reconnect you with the outside world is more helpful than people realise,” he says. Another habit worth taking up, says Harvey, is journaling.

“When you don’t have as many opportunities to express your worries out loud to friends or colleagues, it can be a vicious cycle.” And yet, he adds, “worry is merely an unfinished thought. When you articulate your worries on paper it forces you to finish that thought and work it through. The process can be incredibly cathartic and it costs nothing.”

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