Essential Tips In Blending Families With Teenagers
Essential Tips In Blending Families With Teenagers
Teenage years are characterized by growth spurts, bodily changes, and hormonal adjustments. Puberty is a time when kids transition into young adults when they undergo emotional and biological changes in terms of voice, body shape, reproductive organs, body hair, and physical growth. This usually happens between ages 8-15.
Researchers from Stanford Medicine describe the teen’s struggle for independence and control in terms of independence from parents, priority for peer acceptance and influence, and preference for romantic and sexual relationships. It is also believed that the rational part of the teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25. In a teen’s brain, "the connections between the emotional part of the brain and the decision-making center are still developing—and not always at the same rate." These changes impact the way teenagers communicate and express themselves–typically laden with overwhelming emotional input as they weren’t "thinking as much as they were feeling."
Raising a teenager in a typical household composed of biological parents and siblings already proves to be complex, albeit a little more challenging in a blended family setting.
Blending families with teenagers
Blending families with teenagers can present unique struggles and windows of opportunity. Blending two families, especially when teenagers are involved, requires patience, understanding, and just the right amount of hand-holding.
Here are some key things to consider when blending families with teenagers:
Loyalty
Teens may feel torn between loyalty to their biological parent and to a step-parent or step-sibling. They might harbor feelings of guilt and betrayal if they become close to a step-parent or step-sibling.
Independence
Teenagers are at a stage where they are establishing their own identities and seeking independence, which can make accepting new family members in their lives difficult.
Adjustment to a new family setup
Adjusting to new household rules, routines, and dynamics can be challenging for teens who are used to a certain way of life. Suddenly there’s a curfew, a screen time limit, family get-together on a weekend–these changes can be overwhelming to a teenager who is undergoing major life changes and biological changes, too.
Emotional outbursts
Teenagers may exhibit behavioral issues or emotional outbursts as they navigate the changes in their family structure since the rational part of their brain is still developing and that their emotional construct outweighs their logic.
Walking on eggshells
Blending families may also mean tip-toeing at the beginning of establishing relationships with each other. One does not know what sets one off, or what behavior could possibly be unacceptable or kind of humor the entire family is willing to take.
Essential tips for parents in blending families with teenagers
The Step-Family Foundation recommends steps in blending families and these may be summarized in the following tips:
Acknowledge the new family setup
Accept that the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a biological family, especially with teenagers who are in their search of self. They are trying to form their identity and how they should fit in a modern family. It is vital that as step-parents, we recognize the hard fact that the step-children are not ours and they never will be, but that's okay.
We have to remember that we are stepparents, not replacement parents. "There are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses/partners." Even the words "mother" and "father" are sacred and may mean differently.
Do not force the relationship
Take the time to build trust and positive relationships with your step-children. Even friendships feel more genuine when connections feel natural and not forced.
Give each other the time to heal, gradually build trust, and communicate openly. Avoid the mistake of trying to replace their biological parent. For starters, we stick to the basics of respect: Hello, Please, Thank you, and I’m sorry.
In the same light, sometimes we want to rush the process and approach the situation quickly, perhaps coming in too strong, just to be the best step-parent ever.
Even if rooted in the best intentions, often times, "super step-parenting doesn’t work." It is better to take things slow.
Set expectations
The family must discuss and agree to House rules, member roles, family forms, and norms, including discipline styles. This will help eliminate the struggle of "walking on eggshells."
The couple and the teens will know how to respond to each other, which rules not to break, and what responsibilities and roles each member needs to fulfill. Always remember that unrealistic expectations beget rejection and resentment. Unfortunately, there is no apt model for the step relationship except for the wicked stepsisters or the evil stepmother of fairy tales.
We refuse to paint that picture.
Be consistent
As a step-parent, be clear with your role: you are not a pal, you are a parent, too. "Know that the greatest enemy of a child’s well-being is the lack of consistency and predictability." You have already set the house rules, implement them. If they show disrespect, show them the repercussions.
At the same time, don’t bend the rules for your child and yet be strict with your stepson or stepdaughter. Make it known that they can run to you if they have their own struggles at school or need advice. Emotions run high for teenagers, pull them in if goes overboard.
Respect is key
The foundation of every relationship aside from trust, is respect. Earn your children’s and step-children’s respect by showing empathy, understanding, and respect, as well. Respect their identity and when making remarks, avoid putting them in a position where they have to defend their biological parent ("siguro ganyan din ang nanay/tatay mo!").
Take the time to build a trusting relationship with your step-children. Respect their personal space and privacy. Do not pry on them just to be in control. As we may already probably know, love and trust are neither forced nor rushed.