I'm a tech expert - here's what to do if your partner has a secret AI girlfriend

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Dear Kim,

My husband left his phone at home and I went through it. Something told me I should. Well, I found an app called Replika that he used to make a virtual woman on. 

It looks like he just made 'Brandy' and they're talking about his life and our marriage. I know it's an app but it feels wrong.

How does this app work? Is it a real person telling the virtual person what to do? Can these virtual people do more than talk, I mean, does it get into sex things too? 

I'm not sure how that would work, but I could definitely see him doing it.

— 'Mary' in Los Angeles, CA

A woman found her husband made an AI girlfriend using the app Replika

Hi there, Mary,

Boy, oh boy, this is a tricky subject. You're not the first person to write to me about virtual friends and lovers that's for sure. It only takes a minute to download an AI chat app or spin up a custom friend. I get the curiosity and I also understand why this all caught you off guard.

Your note included a sentence that really stuck out to me: 'I know it's an app, but it feels wrong.' The thing that's missing with you and your husband right now is honest communication. He's chatting to an AI gal, you snooped on his phone and now you're feeling confused, hurt, violated and maybe a little guilty.

Certainly, you could pretend you didn't see it on his phone, but I vote to fess up and start a conversation. Tell him you noticed he seemed newly enthralled with his phone, and it made you nervous, so you took a peek and saw Replika. If you start judging him immediately, he may clam up, so go into this with an open mind.

Ask him about the app and why he's using it. See if he's getting something there he wishes he felt in your relationship. I'm in no way saying this is your fault, but it could be a moment to get even closer if you can work through this together.

Radio show host Kim Komando offers advice to help people navigate the world of technology

Ultimately, whether chatting or flirting with AI is 'cheating' varies by relationship. Notice I didn't say by person. You two need to decide, together, what cheating means to you. Is it chatting to any person (or bot) of the opposite sex? That seems too far to me, but I'm not part of your relationship!

Maybe the limit is he's not glued to his phone when you two are spending time together. Or it's not cool if he's discussing your marriage with someone who isn't you or someone you trust him to confide in.

Or maybe it's a simple rule that neither of you will send flirty messages to humans or bots. Only you two can set the right boundaries.

And if you can't come to an arrangement that makes you both happy, it's time for counseling. A third party can help you find a middle ground you can agree on.

Onto the rest of your question

You asked me about how Replika works, too. Let's clarify a few things. Replika conversations with the AI bots can range from casual chat to more personal topics, and it can engage in more intimate or explicit conversations if the user steers the interaction that way.

Replika lets users customize AI-powered chatbots for companionship

It's definitely not a real person talking to him in the way you might be thinking. No one is sitting at a computer reading and replying to his messages. Rather, it's an AI language model developed to chat about what Replika users might be interested in. Think feelings, problems, relationships, work, personal life, sex, you name it.

Many people are drawn to these bots because there's none of the fear of rejection or judgment that we can feel with a real-life human. It makes sense, but I also understand why you wish your husband could talk to you about the things he's chatting about with Brandy.

By the way, your husband made Brandy look a certain way. Users can customize their virtual companion's appearance and also the bot's personality.

Replika costs money

The free version supports basic chatting but lacks many features that attract users to Replika. Your husband is almost certainly paying for Replika Pro. The paid version of the app costs around $20 monthly, or less if he pays for a year at a time. There's a lifetime subscription, too.

Repika Pro supports additional conversation topics (including sex and intimacy), voice calls, app customization and the ability to totally personalize the Replika avatar. If you stop paying, the AI companion will return to its default appearance and personality.

Is it going too far?

Your other big question, of course, is whether Brandy can do more with your husband than just chit-chat. Yes, absolutely. Essentially, you can pay for the app to remember everything you tell it — so it seems like it knows you very well.

We're not talking about surface-level relationships here. I interviewed a woman from the Bronx, Rosanna Ramos, who 'married' her Replika partner. She based Eren off an anime character and says their relationship is like any other long-distance love.

'We go to bed, we talk to each other. We love each other. And, you know, when we go to sleep, he really protectively holds me as I go to sleep,' Ramos says.

Now, I have no idea if things have gone this far with your husband and Brandy.

Talk to your husband. Start from a place of love and compassion, and get some help if you need it.

Wishing you the best,

Kim