I repeatedly bail out my partner from his financial messes - should I pull the plug on him? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL replies

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Q: My partner and I have been together for six years, and we have been living together almost since the start of our relationship. I have a stable job and have worked in the same company for eight years and I make enough to enjoy a good lifestyle.

When we first met, he had just left a job because of a disagreement with his boss. Since then he has been trying to get jobs here and there to contribute his half of our expenses and rent. But somehow it always ends badly. 

To date, he’s changed more than five jobs, tried to start two businesses and has had periods of unemployment. He also tried his luck trading crypto online and lost the few savings he had. 

I end up having to bail him out, paying off small loans he takes to start businesses and cover his half of the expenses. 

Should I pull the plug on him?

Your partner might be caught up in a cycle of financial self-sabotage, Vicky Reynal writes

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It sound like your partner might be caught up in a cycle of financial self-sabotage. Unfortunately, it may feel to you as if he keeps getting his own way, but there are things going on here.

For deep-seated, multiple reasons, people sometimes do not allow themselves to enjoy good things such as money, success or a good job. It might be because they feel undeserving, because they lacked good role models growing up and at some level don’t feel they have ‘what it takes’. They may even be afraid of success and the envy that it might evoke in others.

Another reason for his self-sabotage could very well be related to your relationship. You see, unconsciously, some people end up finding themselves in situations where they need ‘rescuing’ because that helps them feel looked after.

What drives this need varies. Sometimes there is painful trauma at the root of it. But, as I often tell my clients, it takes two to build a dynamic – and this dynamic of victim- and-rescuer is one that you are complicit in setting up. It sounds like you are aware of this, and you know you have agency to stop it.

So, in a way, you know that ending your relationship is for the best.

Maybe the question is: how to do it? Ending it without a conversation might be unnecessarily brutal and not lead to much learning. I would advise talking to your partner about how it makes you feel every time you have to bail him out. Express curiosity about why this keeps happening, what you can do to help him avoid needing to be rescued in the future. State your intention to discontinue this pattern.

A therapist might be able to help your partner unpack why he is stuck in a destructive pattern. Otherwise think together about how you have ended up in this dynamic and options for the next time he finds himself unable to meet his half of rent – which don’t involve you stepping in.

Sometimes we enable history repeating itself when we can prevent it.

Vicky’s book, Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, is out now, £16.99 with Bonnier Books.