Ask Sahaj: Sister-in-law inserts herself into our kids’ playdates. Do I say something?

Ask Sahaj: Sister-in-law inserts herself into our kids’ playdates. Do I say something?

Dear Sahaj: My toddler son has a cousin his same age who he adores. I love their relationship and want to encourage it. My sister-in-law is very overprotective and insists on all play dates being at her house. This wouldn’t be a problem except she consistently makes passive aggressive comments toward my son. Her attitude seems to be a result of her protectiveness for her child. For example, she will insert herself in the kids games and tell my child that those aren’t his toys and he needs to ask her child permission before playing with them. I think she is trying to preemptively protect her child from being pushed around, even if her child doesn’t seem bothered. Her child is quieter and more of a follower while my son is definitely more of an extrovert and tends to direct their activities. However, I’ve always believed the two kids work out disagreements really well when left alone. They both care for each other and end up compromising and problem solving on their own.

I’ve talked to my brother about this, and he says his wife doesn’t mean it that way. He says it’s just how she interacts with people, not a big deal. Before kids, when I’d talk directly to her about things she’d say it would create tension. I just don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my son’s relationship with his cousin. For the record, I do talk to my son about how he can encourage his cousin to come out of their shell and speak up during playtime. All their disagreements seem age appropriate (i.e. not wanting to share a toy).

Should I let this go and continue the playdates? Should I speak to her?

— Keep the peace

Keep the peace: Is your sister-in-law being harmful or does she just parent differently from you?

The example you offer feels less like she’s being passive aggressive toward your kid and more, as you say, like she’s inserting herself for her kid. The way someone parents is a combination of so many life experiences — how they were parented, how willing they are to interrogate their own insecurities, a child’s temperament and so much more. Not everyone parents the same way — as is the case with you and your sister-in-law.

You say you don’t want this to impact your son’s relationship with his cousin, and that should continue to be the priority. You want to get clear on whether this is just annoying — albeit endurable — or something that needs to be addressed because you — or your son — are starting to feel resentful. Touch base with your son after these playdates by asking him, “You may notice that Aunt wants you to always ask before playing with Cousin’s toys. How do you feel about that?” If he expresses some bad feelings, or if you find yourself avoiding spending time with your brother and his family, or showing up differently because of your own emotions, then you may want to say something.

While it sounds like your sister-in-law and you are the main characters during playtime, this might call for you to build a bridge with your brother so there’s a buffer. You can tell your brother, “I know you don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s starting to affect me. Can we please talk about how to resolve this?” Or, if a buffer doesn’t feel necessary, start a conversation with your sister-in-law at a neutral time to discuss this issue. This may sound like, “Our kids love playing together, and nurturing that relationship is so important to me. I want to make sure we are on the same page about their playdates. Can we talk about it?” This can help you ask more questions around what she might be worried about (i.e. “I’d love to hear more about what you’re worried about.”), and it can help you share more on what you’re thinking and feeling (i.e. “Sometimes when [son] is having an issue with a peer, I like to let him try to problem solve before I step in.”) This may even allow you to creatively think of solutions — like finding a compromise on where to have playdates, how often, and whether you may need to bring some of your son’s toys along. It’s not about giving parenting advice to your sister-in-law, but rather, it’s about learning more about where she is coming from while advocating for your child’s needs, too.

You have to decide what you’re willing to compromise on and if this is something you can continue to deal with as your kids get older. Along the way, you get the chance to model how to be understanding of other people’s needs — and navigate difficult situations — while also staying true to what you need for your son.