He told me I was perfect so I never noticed he was 'spiderwebbing'

After several years of tolerating this toxic behaviour, I was a shell of my former self (Picture: Getty Images)

I never thought of myself as the kind of woman that could be easily duped by a man.

But just like spiders take their prey by surprise, spider-webbers entrap you before you even realise you’ve succumbed to their manipulation.

Spider-webbing is a relatively new term on the dating scene and describes a combination of manipulative behaviours – such as breadcrumbing and gaslighting – which a partner might use to entangle someone in a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship.

And sadly, it happened to me.

Typically, they reel you in by love bombing.

My ex would shower me with compliments, gifts, and endless declarations that I was ‘the one’. He’d text me constantly, sometimes more than 40 times a day, and call me every evening to talk.

When they have you exactly where they want you – feeling like the most special person in the world – they bread-crumb you, taking most of the affection and attention away but still throwing you just enough to keep you interested and loved-up.

My ex would often lash out at me one day by calling me names, which made me question whether I should stay with him. But by the next day he would bring me flowers and chocolates and tell me how beautiful I was.

Finally, when your self-esteem becomes as broken as mine was, they will gaslight you so that you are too vulnerable, confused and deflated to leave.

I met my ex through a dating app. His polite opening message, asking if I’d like to chat and potentially meet for a drink, was a refreshing change of pace after all the time wasters I had come across – so I agreed.

While I wasn’t initially attracted to him, he was undoubtedly charming and the chat between us was easy.

Finally, when your self-esteem becomes as broken as mine was, they will gaslight you so that you are too vulnerable, confused and deflated to leave

By our third date he began texting me more than 30 times and calling me several times a day, telling me how amazing he thought I was and how he couldn’t stop thinking about me.

Initially I did find his constant attention and contact a little overbearing, but a part of me was also flattered. However, he soon began getting jealous and becoming riled if another man so much as looked at me.

One time he accused me of deliberately trying to ‘wind’ him up because I sent him a picture of me standing next to a young couple (in which the man in question had his arms around his girlfriend).

Naturally, I complained to friends about this behaviour but they said: ‘Don’t moan – you’re lucky he’s that into you.’ So, I figured I was, believing that this excessive adoration was a sign that he really valued me.

Then I discovered he cheated on me.

Several weeks into our relationship, a message popped up on his phone from another woman he’d been seeing. Hurt, I asked him to leave and immediately cut contact.

But two weeks later he began begging for forgiveness, saying he hadn’t known if we were going to be serious at that time but now he was sure he wanted me. Stupidly, I believed him and took him back.

From then on he behaved like the ‘perfect’ boyfriend – cooking for me in the evenings, running me bubble baths, making a huge effort with my friends and hiding love notes in my suitcase whenever I went away for work.

I thought it meant that he really loved me. Little did I realise that he was setting me up for a huge fall.

After 15 months together, we moved into a rented flat together, which is when his bread-crumbing phase started properly.

Whenever I was on the verge of leaving – sometimes I’d even packed my bags – he’d always turn up with apologies and the cycle would start all over again

Whereas before he hadn’t seemed to be able to go an hour without contacting me, he’d now ignore my texts and calls for hours. He’d also belittle me in front of people, even telling shop assistants he was ‘stuck’ with me, and that the Internet had ‘a lot to answer for’.

When I’d tell him I found his behaviour hurtful, he’d tell me he was just joking and that I shouldn’t be so sensitive. Then he’d be nice for a while, bringing me flowers and chocolates or saying sweet things – always giving me just enough attention or affection to make me stay.

And then came the third phase of spider webbing – gaslighting. This is by far the most damaging stage because it can make the recipient question reality.

Gaslighting can take many forms, such as removing objects from your home, then telling you they don’t have a clue where they are (yes, he did this). Or pretending conversations you’ve had never happened (I even began recording some of our chats to prove to myself I wasn’t imagining things).

And of course, convincing you that you are overreacting when a put-down is disguised as a ‘joke’.

After several years of tolerating this toxic behaviour, I was a shell of my former self. My self-esteem was shattered to the point where I wouldn’t even go out or see friends – not that any of them knew what was really going on behind closed doors. In fact, the only person I did confide in about the abuse was my sister-in-law.

She kept begging me to leave him but eventually, he somehow managed to convince her I was crazy and making everything up. I now no longer have any contact with her and as a result, rarely see my brother.

Whenever I was on the verge of leaving – sometimes I’d even packed my bags – he’d always turn up with apologies and the cycle would start all over again.

I was so confused. Part of me knew that this behaviour was wrong and harmful, but the other part of me loved him and was afraid of being alone. It didn’t help that he’d convinced me that I was worthless, and therefore unworthy of love.

So I always stayed.

Domestic abuse helpline

If you are in immediate danger call 999. If you cannot talk, dial 55 and the operator will respond.

For emotional support, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, for practical and emotional support, please contact Women’s Aid Live Chat 10am – 6pm seven days a week.

You can also reach the National Centre for Domestic Violence on 0800 270 9070 or text NCDV to 60777.

For free and confidential advice and support for women in London affected by abuse, you can call Solace on 0808 802 5565 or email [email protected].

Male victims of domestic abuse can call 01823 334244 to speak to ManKind, an initiative available for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence across the UK as well as their friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues and employers.

Alternatively, the Men's Advice Line can be reached at 0808 8010327, or emailed at [email protected].

The turning point finally came one night when he cornered me against the kitchen door. He yelled in my face that none of my friends or family could stand to be around me, and that they had all told him they hated me.

Sobbing, I called my mother to ask if what he was saying was true. She begged me to get away from this man – that he was destroying me. Hearing her pleas, something in my head just clicked.

I knew that if I didn’t get out of this relationship, I would have a breakdown.

I mustered the courage to ask him to move out and, to my surprise, he calmly agreed.

‘I’ve realised you’re not for me.’ He said nonchalantly, as if he’d been the one to make the decision to end things for good. Even then, I endured two weeks of him stonewalling me before he finally left – and that was only after I invited my mother to stay for the week.

He couldn’t keep up the pretence with a witness there.

It took me a while and a lot of therapy to recover from my spider-webber and it’s still an ongoing process. But having EMDR therapy – which teaches you to process traumatic experiences and memories by desensitising you to them – has helped a lot.

Just seeing his car drive past used to make me anxious but now, when I see him around as he works near my home, I’m not triggered anymore. In fact, I actually feel sorry for him.

I’ve realised that only someone with cripplingly low self esteem would need to put another person down or try to destroy them in order to feel good about themselves.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fully trust a man again, and it’s taken me three years to even dip my toe back in the dating pool, but at least I know now that huge gestures of love early on in a relationship can be a red flag.

Or in this case, a red web.

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