England have been unfathomably bad at Euro 2024, but nobody else is bringing the noise either... Gareth Southgate's men still have a wonderful opportunity to do something special this summer, writes IAN LADYMAN
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The Football Association’s decision to invite the very middle of the road Ed Sheeran to sing for the England players this week felt appropriate after what we have seen from them so far in Germany. All a bit gentle. All a bit nothing. All a bit vanilla.
But the good news for Gareth Southgate and his players as they seek improvement and progress ahead of their quarter-final with Switzerland on Saturday is that there has been precious little rock n roll football from anybody else either. Maybe with the possible exception of a talented Spain team, nobody has brought the noise to Germany, as Jurgen Klopp would say.
Before this engaging but less than electrifying tournament began, we looked at England and looked at the rest of the traditional super-powers of European football and declared that there didn’t appear to be an outstanding team to worry unnecessarily about.
So far, with two and a half weeks played, that has proved to be the case.
The only surprise has been the utterly moribund nature of England’s own football. When was the last time an England team played this poorly in a summer tournament? Back in France eight years and they were home by this point.
Gareth Southgate's England have fallen well short of expectations at Euro 2024, but remain in the tournament
Having the very middle of the road Ed Sheeran perform for the team fits in well with how the side have played in Germany
This England have an opportunity, however. It is an opportunity presented to them by the fact they sit on the easier side of the draw and also by the fact that if they can find a way to the final in Berlin a week on Sunday – as preposterous as that may sound – there is unlikely to be an immovable force waiting for them at the Olympic Stadium.
Portugal and France will meet in what could be a titanic quarter-final match in Hamburg on Friday.
Portugal – who needed penalties to squeak past Slovenia on Monday night – are a talented side undermined by the inflated status of Cristiano Ronaldo and by a coach in Roberto Martinez who suffers the unfortunate fate of not being the most influential voice in his own dressing room.
France, meanwhile, have arrived in Germany with many of the players, the same manager but little of the form that saw them come within inches of winning the last World Cup in December 2022.
If England are carrying star players while they wait for them to wake up here then the same could be said of Didier Deschamps’ team.
Kylian Mbappe, for example, has been noticeable only for the mask he is wearing to aid his recovery from a broken nose. Deschamps has suggested it’s disturbing Mbappe’s peripheral vision and even causing sweat to run into his eyes.
None of that remotely explains why the 25-year-old also seems to have brought none of the blindingly electric pace for which he is known to this tournament. Without him leading their attacking forays, France are light.
Portugal's bid to win the Euros has been undermined by the inflated status of Cristiano Ronaldo
France have a team full of talent but have not clicked at all, with Kylian Mbappe not looking himself after suffering a broken nose
Germany are also under pressure after some indifferent displays and they face Spain next
Spain have been the standout team so far but find themselves on the tougher side of the draw
They have Olivier Giroud on the bench, a forward who somehow managed to play regularly for his country when they won the World Cup in 2018 without ever having a single shot on target.
The hosts Germany are also under a little pressure and, unfortunately for them, have to find a way past Spain in Stuttgart this weekend. Having started so well in dismantling the Scots in Munich on day one, Germany actually needed an injury time goal to draw against Switzerland in their final group game and finish top of their section.
Niclas Fullkrug’s goal was celebrated widely in Frankfurt that night but it’s turned out to be a mixed blessing. Had Germany come through as a second placed team, they would have dropped in to what has become the far more palatable side of the draw.
For Julian Nagelsmann to reach the final, they must beat Spain and then one of France or Portugal. It’s an ask for a team that in many ways is probably two years short of what may one day be viewed as its peak.
None of this will matter if England do not improve. England must improve. There has already been some revisionism of their efforts in some quarters.
For example, Portugal’s struggles to beat Slovenia has been used as a way to place England’s draw with them in Group C in a fresh context. It’s nonsense. Portugal pressed Slovenia, troubled them, created chances and missed them. It happens.
England passed the ball across and in front of them – and often backwards – for 90 minutes. Against Slovakia, England had two shots on target in two hours and both went in.
England’s football in Germany has been unfathomably bad over four games but opportunity remains out here. If there were signs of light during the last game in Gelsenkirchen, they came from the young Manchester United midfield Kobbie Mainoo. The 19-year-old now has the shirt for the rest of the tournament.
England must improve this weekend, but still have the chance to do something special after squeaking past Slovakia in the last-16
If England can finally put together a couple of big performances, they could go all the way
Whoever England play from hereon in will be a level up from what they have faced before. If they don’t find new gears they will sink and be washed home with the rest of the tournament detritus.
But England have good players and they are players who we are told are motivated by criticism, motivated by what they feel has been unfair judgement and motivated by a fear of what awaits them if they can’t take their manager beyond his 100th game in charge on Saturday in Dusseldorf.
Why England players need all this extra fuel is a reasonable debating point. Isn’t the thought of winning your country’s first tournament for 58 years enough to make the adrenaline move just a little quicker through the veins?
Whatever it takes to get them through the day isn’t really important, though. Performances are. And if England can find a couple over the next week then they may find there is not that much of note standing in the way of something quite unexpected and marvellous.
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