I told a stranger my biggest secret and it saved my life

Growing up, I’d felt so conflicted about my sexuality, says Sarah (Picture: Sarah Brazel-Terris)

‘I think I might be gay.’

Sat opposite a kind stranger in March 2020, it was the first time that I’d said it out loud.

In turn the Samaritans volunteer replied simply with ‘OK, that’s OK’ in a kind and reassuring voice and it felt like this weight had been lifted.

I was 27 at the time and I had reached breaking point. For the past few months I had been coming to this realisation about my identity, but I didn’t feel able to open up and express how I truly felt – until I couldn’t cope anymore.

Growing up, I’d felt so conflicted about my sexuality. Often my heart and my head were at odds with one another – my mind would deny these feelings and refused to let me see a future in what I felt deep down.

The problem was, I didn’t feel like I had any queer role models to look up to that I truly identified with or gave me the licence to be myself. So I concluded that I must be the same as everyone else: a girl looking to marry a boy.

And so, on a night out for my 22nd birthday, I met a man – he was 10 years older than me and offered me the world – stability, children; the life I was told that I wanted. Five years later, we were married with our own home and I told myself that it was the perfect fairytale. 

Except, it wasn’t.

As time went on, we shifted from a happy couple to friends who lived together. I began to struggle with feelings of depression and anxiety. I had no motivation, I was crying all the time and felt numb. I’d stopped doing things I normally enjoyed like running, painting or baking.

I have become comfortable with who I am, and now feel that it’s OK for me to identify as queer (Picture: Sarah Brazel-Terris)

At the same time, I found myself actively avoiding all queer culture – anything with prominent gay storylines like Grey’s Anatomy – it was too painful to watch.

Looking back, I found it painful because it was living a life that I couldn’t ever imagine for myself but at the time I didn’t know why.

One morning in March 2020, I woke up and it felt like a dark cloud had descended over me.

I spent a lot of time doing nothing and just sitting with my own feelings. It suddenly felt like everything was on top of me. 

I started to recognise that I couldn’t stay in my relationship, but the thought of uprooting everything – my home, relationships and this life that we had built together – felt overwhelming.

How could I undo this life that I’d built myself? I felt this pressure on my chest that I could be stuck in this situation forever.

I jumped in a cab and found myself at a Samaritans branch

I searched the internet for emergency counselling services and Samaritans’ helpline kept coming up, but I dismissed it. I’d seen posters at railway stations with the phone number and knew of the charity, but I didn’t think it was for me.

This is despite the fact that I didn’t want to be here anymore; not because I wanted to die, but because I thought everyone’s lives would be easier if I wasn’t around.

But, I was desperate. I scared myself with the thoughts I was having and felt like there was nowhere else to go – so I jumped in a cab and found myself at a Samaritans branch.

I walked through the door and I remember immediately feeling this sense of comfort. It was warm and the guy behind the desk just looked at me and asked if I was OK. I felt instantly safe and this huge sense of relief that I was there.

From the minute I was in the room with a volunteer, she gave me the safe space that I was so desperately craving. She reassured me that anything I said would be kept confidential and that there would be no judgement.

Living authentically is such a gift, says Sarah (Picture: Sarah Brazel-Terris)

It was here that I finally acknowledged what had been in my head for years.

Until that moment, I was ready to just bury my feelings and never truly acknowledge who I was, but saying those words aloud for the first time was so affirming. 

Then to be told by someone who didn’t know me that I deserved to be loved, and deserved to be authentically me, made me feel so validated. 

It wasn’t just that the volunteer listened to me, it was that she heard me. After 27 years of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, I was properly heard for the first time.

She didn’t tell me what to do, but she gave me the space to explore my thoughts and talk through my options. Just by talking it all through, I was able to see for myself what I needed to do. She helped me see that I had a lot to offer and that my presence in the world was important – when I hadn’t been feeling like that at all. It was an incredible experience and it changed my life. 

Do you need support?

Samaritans are here to listen, day or night, 365 days a year. You can call them for free on 116 123, email [email protected] or visit samaritans.org for more information.

That Samaritans volunteer saved me that day – not in a physical sense, but she saved who I am.

After that, I underwent further talking therapy and eventually I was able to leave my marriage. It felt like breathing again.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate that, when I finally came out to family, friends and colleagues, aged 29, I was met with nothing but love and support.

Five years down the line, everything has changed for me.

I have become comfortable with who I am, and now feel that it’s OK for me to identify as queer – not fit into a box or stereotype about how I should look and act. I’ve met my incredible wife, marrying two years after we first met – and my life is now full of joy.

Living authentically is such a gift, and I try to honour that every day. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I know her – I recognise her. I haven’t felt that way for a very long time. 

Are you going to Pride this weekend? Have your say in the comments belowComment Now

Last year was my first Pride parade in London, I was holding my wife’s hand and pretty much crying the whole way round thinking about how far I’ve come.

From five years ago, miserable and a shell of who I was meant to be, to walking in Pride in London being cheered on by strangers and Samaritans volunteers who are out in force at this special event.

To anyone struggling, it can be so scary to verbalise things that scare you. Going to Samaritans is a safe place to do that – there’s no judgement, no right or wrong thing to say. Just a conversation with a stranger, who is in your corner.  

I will always be so grateful to the kind volunteer who made me feel heard for the first time.

I’ve never spoken or seen that volunteer again, but I wrote her a letter in the coming years to thank her for what she did for me that day and for saving me.

During those dark times when I thought about my future, all I could think of was how I could cope with the years to come. Now, my future is mine to make. It’s the most incredible feeling. 

My future is exciting, and so is living my truth. I can’t wait.

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