How to change your life, according to a top psychologist
There’s a famous quote by the poet Mary Oliver that asks ‘What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ It’s a call to action that reminds us of the fleeting nature of our existence and gets to the heart of my work as a business psychologist. Clients come to me when they’re at a turning point in their lives — moments when events or circumstances have them rethinking, questioning and examining the way they live and work. This can be challenging.
One of the biggest barriers to reinvention are the self-limiting beliefs we carry with us, which box us in and prevent us from even trying. This produces a cycle of regret and missed opportunities. Yet I have to declare a wholehearted bias towards the possible and our innate potential for transformation.
It may not be easy and may require considerable effort, some good fortune and a shift in mindset but below is my advice for anyone seeking a personal reinvention. If you want more guidance, please can join my Evening Standard Masterclass on The Art of Reinvention on Tuesday, August 20, £75. standard.co.uk/masterclasses.
Dig deep to discover what you want
Give yourself the time to think about what fulfils you and what might be lacking in your life. To do this properly, you’ll need to dig deep to look below the surface. We can often be strangers to ourselves. Have you ever had the sense that someone you’re close to is making life unnecessarily difficult for themselves? That you see the route out of their problems more clearly than they do? In the same way, other people may see our destructive patterns of behaviour and neuroses more clearly than we do ourselves. Know that anger or fear of change may be at the heart of a lack of reinvention. First we need to recognise this in order to change our behaviour.
Taking a good hard look at ourselves is a way to discover and challenge our psychological blind spots, and this takes both time and courage.
Beware of labels
We all have labels placed on us throughout our lives. They can be empowering but often they can be limiting and restrictive. Even if a label is outdated and no longer relevant to you, it can be hard to shed. For example, you may have been told you were shy as a child but now have the ability to speak up and present your ideas in meetings, but there’s still an element of you that sees yourself as shy despite evidence to the contrary. Part of reinvention is being prepared to challenge these narratives and welcome and acknowledge new versions of yourself.
Are you playing safe?
To be meaningful, any reinvention will be challenging. You will be moving from a place of comfort and certainty into the unknown. Remember that new opportunities and ventures are meant to push us; in this way they offer us knowledge and experience and the chance to develop.
You may be reluctant to take the leap. An unconscious drive to protect yourself, to keep you safe from rejection or perceived danger. Meeting our fears is a way of growing and overcoming anxiety.
Know when to quit
“Never give up, in order to achieve your dreams.” This might be a phrase that resonates with you. It may even be ingrained. But don’t ignore the value of quitting. In her book Quit, cognitive psychologist and top poker player Annie Duke shows how when faced with tough decisions, people are generally very bad at knowing when to quit. And ultimately, this is what holds us back.
It takes courage to walk away from something that no longer serves you, whether it’s a job where you’re stagnating or relationships that no longer fit with your values, but quitting could ultimately lead to fulfilment.
You can also use quitting as a tool to help ease you into your reinvention. Your new life choices don’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation. You can be flexible; they could come with caveats. Don’t be afraid to walk away if you need to.
Dr Susan Khan (Dr Susan Khan)
Regret can be tool for change
In his book The Power of Regret, Daniel Pink shows us how we can use this emotion to guide us towards a life well lived. Ask yourself the question: “If things stay the same in 10 years’ time, what will I regret?” Do the same for 20 years. The prospect of future regrets can be a powerful tool for working out what really matters to you in your life.
Taking the leap
All change is challenging and involves some kind of loss; it can be difficult to take a leap and move from a steady and secure role and step into the unknown. Explore your desires, the advantages, and the disadvantages of sticking with the status quo as well as the possibilities for the future. This will give you clarity.
An old-fashioned pros and cons list will help you. Try listing as many reasons as possible to stay, to quit, the downsides of quitting, and the downsides of staying. This will help galvanise your thoughts and help you work out what’s important to you.
There will be obstacles and setbacks
Know that if you do make the decision to reinvent yourself, things will not necessarily run smoothly. You are likely to encounter obstacles along the way. You may run out of money, your ideas may fail, you or someone you love may get sick, you may face a domestic crisis or a challenging relationship. Reinvention is a process. You may fail but with each failure, you have the opportunity to learn and try again. If you do hit a block, try to be kind to yourself and keep going. It’s your one wild and precious life and you owe it to yourself.
Dr Susan Kahn is a business psychologist and author of Reinvent Yourself. Join her for an Evening Standard Masterclass on The Art of Reinvention on Tuesday, August 20, £75. standard.co.uk/masterclasses
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