Why making (and keeping) friends as an adult is so difficult, and how to get it right

Remember when they said childhood was the best? Turns out, they weren’t wrong after all. Back then, life was about school, friends, and endless play, with everything else taken care of.

Fast forward to adulthood where we find ourselves grappling with the fundamental necessities of survival: food, work, finances. Amid all these struggles, one thing also becomes clear: making friends is no longer as easy as it used to be. It seems more complicated and somehow seems like a tough code to crack.

Even when we manage to make friends, maintaining the friendship seems like a challenge in itself. Be it the effect of adulthood or ‘life happened’, as many would call it, making friends as an adult seems like it needs way more depth and comprehension.

But fret not, making friends as a grown-up might seem as intimidating as deciphering IKEA assembly instructions, but it’s totally doable.

But first things first:

Why do you need friends?

There will be many people telling you that you are your best company, but that is not the case with everyone. While some thrive alone, loneliness becomes too much to deal with for others. They want connections and someone to confide in. Therefore, you need friends for more than one reason:

Social connections are crucial: Loneliness can be as bad for your health as smoking or heavy drinking. No, we aren’t saying this, a research by Brigham Young University (BYU) psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad said that loneliness affects longevity. Yes, you read that right!

Stress relief: There’s nothing like venting out your frustration to friends. It gives your mind the much-needed distraction and, at the same time, it is a true-blue stress-buster.

Career and personal life boost: Friends are not just good for your health, but having friends is a nice way to create a good network.Â

How to make friends

While there’s nothing like enjoying your own company, but if you want a circle of your own and finding it difficult to make friends, we will help you decipher the code.

Here’s how:

• Quality over quantity

Forget about collecting friends like Pokemon cards. It’s not about how many friends you have, but the depth of connection you share with them. Focus on building meaningful relationships with like-minded individuals who lift you up, make you laugh, and support you through life’s rollercoaster ride.

It is the quality of friends that matter, not quantity. (Photo: Unsplash)

• Put yourself out there

No one ever made friends by hiding under the covers binge-watching Netflix (although it’s tempting). Take a leap of faith and put yourself out there. Attend networking events, strike up conversations with coworkers, or join online communities. The more you engage with the world around you, the greater your chances of stumbling upon your future BFF.

• Embrace rejection

Rejection stings like a paper cut, but it’s a natural part of the friendship-forging process. Not everyone you meet will click with you, and that’s perfectly okay. Instead of dwelling on what could’ve been, chalk it up to experience and move on. The right people will gravitate towards you like cosmic dust in the vast universe.

• Stay persistent and patient

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are friendships. Building meaningful connections takes time, effort, and a sprinkle of serendipity. Stay persistent, be patient, and trust that the universe has a way of bringing kindred spirits together when the time is right.

• Make a list

Shasta Nelson, a San Francisco-based expert on healthy relationships and author of ‘Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness’, in the July 2023 edition of Reader’s Digest, recommended reaching out to three to five people who you already know but wish to grow closer to them.

After making the list, she suggested people should initiate contact with these friends by sending a text message, extending an invitation for coffee, sharing a meaningful photo or memory, or sending an article that reminded you of them. These gestures can help strengthen connections and pave the way for deeper friendships.

• Awkward? But why?

Not everyone finds it easy to initiate conversations, and for some, approaching an acquaintance for a chit-chat session could feel daunting. But here’s the thing: pushing past that initial awkwardness is often the key to allowing a friendship to develop. Recent research from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University suggests that we often exaggerate just how awkward those first encounters will be but in reality, it isn’t.

It’s always the first step that is challenging, and then it’s a piece of cake.

How to keep the friends you have made

Making friends and maintaining those friendships involves a combination of social skills, genuine interest in others, and effort.

You can follow these easy-peasy tips to maintain your friendship:

• Be a good listener: Show genuine interest in what others have to say. Listen actively, ask follow-up questions, and show empathy.
• Find common ground: Look for shared interests, hobbies, or experiences that you can bond over. Participate in group activities or join clubs where you’re likely to meet like-minded individuals.
• Be authentic: Be yourself and let your personality shine. Authenticity is attractive and helps build trust in friendships.
• Stay in touch: Make an effort to maintain contact with your friends. Reach out through calls, texts, or social media to check in and show that you value the relationship.
• Show support: Be there for your friends during both good times and bad. Offer encouragement, celebrate their achievements, and provide a listening ear during tough times.
• Respect boundaries: Respect your friends’ boundaries and personal space. Understand that everyone has their own limits and preferences.
• Be reliable: Keep your promises and commitments. Be someone your friends can count on when they need help or support.
• Resolve conflicts gracefully: Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. When conflicts arise, address them calmly and respectfully, focusing on finding a resolution rather than assigning blame.

It can’t always be about you. Being a good listener is important if you want to forge a friendship for a lifetime. (Photo: Unsplash)

Remember that building and maintaining friendships takes time and effort from both parties. Be patient and consistent in your efforts, and you’ll likely develop meaningful and lasting connections.