Jamie’s Air Fryer Meals: if it’s got a tiny convection oven in it, Channel 4 will commission it

No fuss … Jamie Oliver in Jamie’s Air Fryer Meals. Photograph: Chris Terry

Oh, hi. Sorry, you’ve just caught me in a lunch meeting with the executives of Channel 4 as I pitch them some shows to take advantage of their new “anything with air fryers in it, we will make” policy. Sorry about that guys – it’s just readers.

So, my first idea is Ayr Fryer, a detective drama set in the west Scotland town of Ayr. DI Johnny Fryer (Robson Green) is new to the force – he spent his career in London but, after a chase went wrong and a lad tumbled head-first into a convection oven and died, he got reassigned north of the border. He’s really grumpy but, dammit, he’s the only copper on this force who’s doing things right – he notices things at murder scenes that other people have missed, he becomes fixated with the case. And, though he’s torn internally by dark forces and regret, he slowly starts to thaw when he meets a local single mother (Laura Fraser) who is refitting the old chip shop on the bay. “What’s this gonna be, anyway?” he says, over a cup of tea one morning. “An air fryer restaurant,” she says. “The food will come out 20% faster than if we did it in an oven.” He grabs his coat, keys jangling, sprints to the car without saying a word. He’s just remembered one of the suspects had a box for a Ninja Dual Zone, but said they couldn’t be at the scene because they were waiting for their chips to cook in the oven! They lied!

No? Well we’ve also got How Long in the Air Fryer?, a teatime quizshow hosted by Jon Richardson? No, you’re right. They’re sinister together), where he reveals various food products and asks three contestants: “How long in the air fryer?” One is eliminated before the break – they go home with a trophy that looks like a golden tin of potatoes – and two go to a grand final where they have to get the settings exactly right to reheat a day-old slice of pizza. A Dictionary Corner-style celebrity guest judge (Gyles Brandreth is already getting a jumper knitted to look like a ProCook) chooses the winner.

No? All right, well, I didn’t want to give you this one as ITV want to rename their app yet again and launch with this on the front page, but if you outbid them and hire me a PA it’s yours. The Holme Valley Air Frying Club (Sherrie Hewson, Angela Griffin, Siobhan Finneran, Steve Pemberton and – hear me out – I reckon we can get Dame Judi Dench. If she did those car insurance adverts, she’ll do this) meet weekly to swap air fryer recipes. But then they get distracted by a twee mystery, and they’re always peeking round church buildings and watching farmers through binocu … you’ve already got one on the go with Osman? OK. Fair. Go to the best. You’re paying him HOW MUCH?

Um, OK: Jamie’s Air Fryer Meals. It’s a 2 x 60min series in conjunction with Tefal where Jamie Oliver and a weekly guest tell you what to cook in an air fryer. We like Jamie again now, don’t we? First he was Naked and then he did school meals and then everyone sort of hated him for being too “year 2000” when the rest of us had moved on. But then he got his head down and got on with it, so now everyone quietly doesn’t mind him again (if you think about it, Jamie Oliver and Coldplay have had the exact same critical renaissance, beat for beat). The thing about Jamie Oliver is: he just wants us to cook, for goodness sake. He just wants us to put something banging in the oven, no fuss, and 45 minutes later you’re happy. He wants families around the table saying “Mmm!” about an aubergine. So yeah, this year’s show is air fryers, because everyone has one now. And he’s going to make you get something delicious out of it. That’s all the noble man in the shirt and T-shirt really wants. He’s stopped saying “pukka”, give him a break.

What do you mean you’ve already made it, Tefal are really happy with the brand placement, and it’s airing this week (Monday 15 April, 8pm, Channel 4)? No it’s fine, I’ve got a meeting with Sky later. They’ll at least have Fryer Island. You’re paying for lunch, yeah?