Corporate politics can feel just like high school drama — but there are ways to cope

Workplace culture consultant Rosalind Wiseman helps people deal with high-school level drama at work. Getty Images

• Workplace conflict often looks like high school drama, according to consultant Rosalind Wiseman.
• Wiseman, whose book inspired “Mean Girls,” advises employees and execs on how to deal with conflict.
• She said finding an advocate you trust and building relationships can help.

It’s Friday night, and everyone you know is going out, except you weren’t invited, and now you’re agonizing over why you were left out.

While many high schoolers can relate to the feeling of being excluded, it’s not just teens — professionals deal with the same kinds of drama in the workplace, according to Rosalind Wiseman, who provides consulting on company culture and conflict.

Wiseman is no stranger to teen drama — in fact, she literally wrote the book on it. She authored the self-help book “Queen Bees and Wannabes,” which served as the basis for the 2004 classic film “Mean Girls.”

These days, she still works with parents and teens but also advises companies and public agencies, including executives and employees, on how to navigate conflict and culture at work. Her clients have included the US State Department, UBS Financial Services, and the Los Angeles Bar Association.

“My job is to help people in high-stakes situations manage themselves better,” she said.

The corporate world and high school aren’t the same, but the similarities are striking

“The answer that I should say is that, ‘Oh, adults are so much more mature than kids,'” she told Business Insider when asked about how workplace drama compares to high school. “But my goodness gracious.”

Wiseman said workplace drama tends to look different than what you see in high school — teens can be far more “crass” — but the levels of sophistication in which the conflicts and undermining play out can be similar.

It can be like the example raised above, in which an employee is not invited to a happy hour with the rest of the team. Other times, someone might be taking credit for work that was actually done by their colleague. Someone could blame a coworker for a mistake they actually made and talk badly about them to their supervisor.

Whatever the conflict, adults can end up feeling similar to high schoolers — excluded, taken advantage of, or even bullied.

Like teens, adults also tend to ascribe a sort of “mythological power to the people that they are in conflict with at work,” making them feel helpless or like there’s nothing they can do to remedy the situation, Wiseman said.

Compounding the issue is how blindsided adults can feel when they are faced with this kind of drama, and when they find themselves reacting in a way that feels similar to their 15-year-old selves.

“I think people really convinced themselves that you’ve moved beyond these stereotypical adolescent coping skills or behaviors as you get older,” Wiseman said. “But when things get hard and difficult, these patterns come right back up to the surface and people are like, ‘Wait, what? This is just like I’m in middle school.'”

Rosalind Wiseman attends the opening night of “Mean Girls” on Broadway at August Wilson Theatre on April 8, 2018 in New York City. Jimi Celeste/Patrick McMullan/Getty Images

Think about the stories you are telling yourself and find an advocate

The first step, Wiseman said, is to accept and acknowledge that it’s normal, and not childish, to feel excluded or undermined and that situations like that can have a very real impact on your career — people make connections and discuss ideas at happy hour, for instance.

“I want people to have a little bit of self-compassion,” she said, adding that although addressing conflict can be difficult, there are more productive ways to do it that can be learned.

Another problem Wiseman sees is professionals telling themselves stories about their job that may or may not actually be true. For instance, someone may be convinced that asking for a raise or flagging a concern to their manager could hurt them, or that they will be punished in some way. That fear might prevent them from self-advocating, and eventually switching jobs because they feel like it’s their only option.

“But the chances are that you’re going to find the same problem,” she said. “It’s going to come with you because wherever you are, there you are.”

In order to get better at managing these conflicts, Wiseman recommends finding an advocate in your workplace — an ally who you trust to talk candidly with about what you are experiencing, help you see the situation cleary, and how to address it.

To find that person, she said you should identify three qualities you want that person to have, and be specific. For instance, if you say “honesty,” you may want someone who can be honest with you but in a way that is sensitive, or you may want someone who has more of a tough-love approach.

When you’ve figured out those qualities, find a person you work with who has them. It can be anyone you work with, a superior or not. Wiseman said you should go to that person, be straightforward with them, and say something like: “I’ve been thinking about what are the qualities of the people that I work with the best and that I want to work with the most, and I came up with these three characteristics. You actually are the person who fits those words and I just want you to know that.”

Wiseman says you can do it in a very casual and organic way. It’s all about setting the foundation and building a relationship. Later, when a situation arises, you can go to that person and let them know what conflict you are struggling with and that you’d appreciate their perspective and feedback on it.

Although it may feel awkward or cheesy, establishing that kind of rapport with someone you trust — and actually learning to internalize, take in their feedback, and potentially act on it — can make a big difference in navigating workplace conflict and challenges.

The more you build relationships, she said, “the more thoughtfulness you have about the people that you are working with, the more effective you can be.”