Signs you've got social anxiety (and how to conquer it)

Experts suggest 80 per cent of us will feel social anxious at some point in our lives

You’re making your way to a party – or perhaps it’s a work presentation. Either way, you have it sorted. Your outfit is perfect. Your mind is more than up to the task. So why are you suddenly feeling jittery?

According to The Applied Learning Center in Canada, 80 per cent of us will feel socially anxious at some point in our lives. In fact, Dr Fallon Goodman, a psychologist at George Washington University focused on social connections and resilience, says: “Among humans, I’d say all of us experience it.”

And yet turning back, texting an excuse and hiding at home won’t make us happier. In 2021, Goodman published research in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders showing that – perhaps counterintuitively – people who suffer from social anxiety still derive pleasure from meeting and interacting with new people. So how can you face up to your fears?

What is social anxiety?

Broadly, Goodman says: “Social anxiety is a feeling of anxiety where we worry about what other people are thinking of us.” You can experience it throughout your life in countless different contexts: on your first day of school, entering a party full of people who all seem to know each other, or before a big work presentation. In each situation, however, the same fear lurks. “Our worry is of an ultimate outcome in which we are rejected in some way,” Goodman says.

Symptoms are wide-ranging too. “Physically it can manifest as a rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, blushing, nausea and difficulty speaking, with extreme cases leading to hyperventilation and fainting,” explains Dr Belynder Walia, a psychotherapist and anxiety expert, whose book Fix Me explores techniques for managing and reducing anxiety. “On the emotional front, individuals often experience excessive worry, a profound fear of judgement or embarrassment, negative self-perception, avoidance of social situations, and challenges initiating or maintaining conversations.”

Social anxiety disorder symptoms

Feeling anxious in social situations is common – “a normal part of being human”, according to Walia. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, is a diagnosable mental health condition.

An estimated four per cent of all people across the globe currently suffer from it. It may be more common still among the young. A study published in the journal Plos One examining thousands of people aged 16 to 29 across seven different countries found that 36 per cent met the threshold for social anxiety disorder.

“Intense and persistent fear of social situations [in these individuals] often leads to avoidance or extreme distress,” says Walia. “Some avoid important events or occasions because of the fear of being in public, so it can significantly impact their daily life, relationships and wellbeing.”

Do I have social anxiety disorder?

If you experience anxiety in social situations, “that fear is going to be pervasive”, says Goodman. “So when you’re meeting a neighbour or interacting with friends and coworkers, there’s a lurking, looming fear that you’re going to be rejected in some way.”

There are other symptoms too. “Right now, if I was feeling socially anxious, I’d be more worried about myself than you or our conversation,” explains Goodman. “All these thoughts would be running through my head – ‘What am I saying? Am I sounding dumb? Did I miss that question?’ – and I might miss an opportunity to connect with you because I’m more focused on managing my own anxiety.”

Another experience common to those with the disorder is scanning the room, she explains. People with social anxiety disorder will often be checking to see if anyone is looking at them oddly, laughing at them, or worse. If they spot a candidate, they might either focus all their attention on them with hyper-vigilance or avoid them like the plague.

What really sets people with social anxiety disorder apart from those of us who feel occasional pangs of party anxiety, however, is an enduring belief that they are fundamentally and uniquely flawed. “They think they are inferior in some way,” says Goodman, “not attractive enough, not interesting enough or not funny enough, and that when they socialise, other people will see that flaw and ultimately reject them because of it.”

What causes social anxiety?

The triggers vary from person to person, says Walia, but common causes include meeting new people, being the centre of attention, participating in group activities or engaging in any activity that carries a risk of being judged or embarrassed. In research, public speaking repeatedly emerges as the most commonly cited type of long-term social anxiety.

“People with social anxiety struggle with uncertainty,” Goodman explains. Contexts like work conferences, during which you know exactly what is expected of you, are likely to be less threatening than the drinks that follow, when unstructured conversations take place.

Our lives online are unlikely to be helping. A study published in the BMC Psychology journal found correlations between social media use and rates of social anxiety. Our social media profiles open us up to unquantifiable and often unpredictable judgement, explains Goodman. “All of that uncertainty is going to make things harder for people who have vulnerabilities to social anxiety,” she says.

Alcohol and social anxiety

It may be tempting to reach for a drink to steady your nerves – but beware. “Alcohol is an effective way of immediately reducing anxiety,” says Goodman. “We find that when people drink, their social anxiety doesn’t impair them as much. There’s more enjoyment, more opportunity for social rewards, less inhibition.”

Sound good? Not as the night wears on, because this balance is fragile. Tip the scales fractionally, lessen your inhibitions further and you may begin to behave in ways that really will elicit judgement and even rejection from others – exactly the phenomenon those with social anxiety disorder fear most.

Then there’s the next morning’s “hangxiety” – a hazard for many drinkers, but torture for the socially anxious. “Even without alcohol, people with social anxiety often do a post-event debrief where they run through what they said the night before, why they said it and how cringey it was,” says Goodman. Add alcohol, a fuzzier memory, and that rumination is intensified.

How alcohol can worsen anxiety over time

“It’s crucial to recognise that relying on alcohol only masks the underlying fears and inhibits personal growth,” says Walia.

In fact, Goodman believes that ditching safety behaviours like habitually reaching for a drink is the single most important factor in tackling social anxiety for good. “Safety behaviours are anything a person does in a situation to feel a little less anxious, whether that’s drinking alcohol, avoiding eye contact or – a favourite among my students – checking their phones to disengage.”

Relying on these may help you survive the party in the short term, but you’re not fully participating, according to Goodman. “So you might just be maintaining your anxiety in the long term.”

Ways to manage social anxiety without drinking

Worried that your social anxiety is interfering with your life? You should see your doctor, says Goodman. They can prescribe talking therapies or antidepressants. There are, however, things people can do to help themselves too. She likes to break these measures down into strategies to implement before, during and finally after an event.

“Before the situation, the best thing to do is set yourself an achievable goal,” suggests Goodman. Make it concrete. Perhaps you want to talk to just one person, or share an idea, or even just briefly talk to four strangers. Set that goal.

Another thing to do before you go is to establish your exit strategy. “Tackling your social anxiety doesn’t have to be an

endurance test,” says Goodman. Gradual exposure to social situations is a key part of learning to manage your anxiety, so it’s important not to run from the event. Still, knowing how you are going to escape, when the time comes, can help you quell that anxiety, Goodman suggests. A fake phone call will do it.

Stay calm as you get ready. “Practise deep breathing and relaxation to calm your nerves and alleviate anxiety,” suggests Walia. “Techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help you stay composed during social interactions.” One 2023 study showed that mindfulness apps reduced social anxiety among students.

You can also practise interrupting your pessimistic thought patterns as they arise, in anticipation of the event. “Replace them with more constructive and positive alternatives,” says Walia. “Switch from questions like ‘Why does everything go wrong for me?’ to ‘What if everything goes well for me?’ This shift in perspective actively challenges negative beliefs and cultivates an optimistic and empowering mindset, boosting your self-esteem and confidence. Encouraging affirmations or posing uplifting questions nurtures positive self-talk, enabling a growth mindset and resilience. By consistently reinforcing these positive affirmations, you can rewire your thinking patterns, diminish social anxiety and embark on a journey of personal growth and development.”

If you find yourself regularly turning invitations down, then start accepting – and attending – small gatherings first, she suggests. “This progressive-exposure approach helps desensitise you to social anxiety triggers over time and boosts your confidence in work-related social settings.”

Alcohol may help those who are socially anxious to relax when they’re out, but it can leave them feeling worse the next day – krisanapong detraphiphat/Getty Images

Be realistic about what will happen. “Anticipate that things will go poorly,” says Goodman. This is not defeatist, just pragmatic, and it happens to absolutely everybody. “At some point or another, you will forget what you were going to say or one of your jokes will flop.” For the socially anxious, this can feel like the end of the world and often signals the end of the party for them. But staying and realising that life goes on is vital. In these situations, reach for a phrase that you will repeat to yourself like a mantra. It might be something as simple as ‘you’ve got this’ or ‘stick with it’,” Goodman suggests.

A wingman or woman is a useful ally, suggests Walia. “Seek support from trusted friends or family members who can provide encouragement and assist you in developing and carrying out your coping strategies.”

Sometimes, however, the real torture begins after the party when the socially anxious scroll through their memories of the night, looking for evidence that they have embarrassed themselves. “Do whatever you can to prevent the rumination,” says Goodman. “A bit of a distraction is helpful.” It could be TV, knitting or even work. “Whatever gives you a bit of a buffer between the party and the rumination.”

Journaling or keeping notes after you attend a social event that has sparked anxiety can also help, she suggests: “You can then look back and do the maths: ‘I socialised five, 10 or 20 times this month. How many times did my worst fear come true?’ You’ll start to relearn that all the worries that consume you before interactions are a waste because these things are just so unlikely to happen.”

Finally, “Make your overall wellbeing a top priority”, says Walia. “Regular exercise, ample sleep and a well-balanced diet all play a crucial role in enhancing your mood and reducing anxiety, ultimately bolstering your confidence for social interactions.”

Medication for social anxiety

If you do seek professional help, talking therapy and medication are both available, often in combination, says Goodman. Cognitive behavioural therapy has been associated with clinically significant improvements, while the Royal College of Psychiatrists notes that a group of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can be of particular help.

Exposure – systematically and carefully engaging in social situations that you fear – is key, says Goodwin, while social skills training can also be helpful, since those with social anxiety may have avoided the contexts in which such skills are commonly developed and practised. “Especially with teens, it may be as simple as practising making eye contact, so that’s a really important component of therapy,” she suggests.

In her experience, group therapy often makes a difference too. “You may believe you have this fundamental flaw that no one else has, or that other people will be disgusted by or detest you for,” says Goodwin. “Then you realise that everyone else in the room feels the same. It is still really painful, but suddenly there’s a sharing of the load.”

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