'It's not Boris Johnson's fault he's so pigging useless, dingbat Tories gave him the job'

Asia's Tech News Daily

Boris Johnson has the same ­problem as the people who make the Fast & Furious films. He has to be more spectacular and ­astonishing with each outing.

He surpassed himself in his speech to British business leaders, losing his notes, mumbling “forgive me” over and over, until asking them if they’d been to Peppa Pig World.

It seemed certain he was about to wet himself, drop his trousers and declare: “The optimum target for our wonderful British business, ipso facto, is to boost exports by setting fire to the town hall, as I was advised to do by a giant golden ladybird that lives under my armpits, in vino veritas”, while crawling round the floor in a puddle of his own wee.

But he gets away with it. So the others will copy him.

'It's not Boris Johnson's fault he's so pigging useless, dingbat Tories gave him the job'
© via REUTERS Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak addressing MPs in the House of Commons

Rishi Sunak will arrive for his next Budget speech in a maid’s outfit and

say: “The projected exports for 2022 are four and ninepence halfpenny and a bucket of Angel Delight. I’ve lost my keys. I’m sure I had them in a bag with a Scotch egg but they’ve gone missing. Has anyone been to the Bob the Builder Experience? I sat in Bob’s digger until the police were alerted that a man in his 40s was hanging around a children’s adventure park. Anyway, I commend this Budget to the house.”

Some commentators insist the Prime Minister gets things wrong on purpose, as part of a grand plan to create a funny image.

This could be true, in the same way that if a plumber came round and shot holes in your radiators with a semi-automatic machine gun until the house was flooded, it could be part of a bigger plan to create a jolly image of someone who should be immediately sectioned.

'It's not Boris Johnson's fault he's so pigging useless, dingbat Tories gave him the job'
© POOL/AFP via Getty Images Boris Johnson

But it’s not Johnson’s fault this has happened. It was his party that voted for him to be their leader.

There was the odd clue as to what he’d be like. He had been sacked for lying, and threatened to have a journalist physically attacked.

And before Johnson became leader, many Tories said he was a hopeless immoral idiot. But they voted for him as leader anyway, because they thought he could win an election.

Now the same people say: “I had no idea when I said he was a hopeless immoral idiot, he’d turn out to be hopeless, or immoral or an idiot.”

It is said the Roman Emperor Caligula planned to make his horse a senator. Maybe Caligula would then have blamed the horse for his bad decisions.

He could have written articles saying: “The horse has lost his magic touch. Today he made a speech to Roman business leaders in which he lost his place, chewed some hay and nibbled the toga of the CEO

of webuyanychariot.com.”

Maybe the horse failed to turn up to an urgent meeting to discuss the war with Egypt, and was found in a barn mounting another horse.

And Caligula shook his head in disbelief. But you couldn’t really blame the horse, the real problem was the dingbats who gave the horse the job in the first place.

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