I cried when I saw my baby for the first time - then I couldn't stop

• Nicole Cousens had post natal depression for years 
• READ MORE:  TV star fights back tears revealing her struggle with inner demons after giving birth

Nicole Cousens cried for 547 days straight after her beautiful baby girl was born.

Excited to welcome baby Ellie, Nicole knew something was terribly wrong when she met her eagerly anticipated bundle of joy for the first time.

Instead of being ‘overwhelmed with love’ like she thought she would be, she had a very different and confronting thought: ‘What the heck have I done and how do I keep this thing alive?’

The 34-year-old first time mother, from Perth, had been thrust deep into post-natal depression with no clear way out.

She knew her headspace wasn’t quite right but every Google search told her she had the ‘Baby Blues’ which typically subsides a few days after giving birth.

Nicole tried to smile in pictures after welcoming Ellie into the world but she just didn’t feel the love connection she had been promised and didn’t think she could look after her baby properly

Nicole cried for 547 days straight after her beautiful baby girl was born. Her daughter Ellie is pictured in the NICU. Her husband Shayne is with her

But as days turned to months, she began to despair.

‘I thought I was a terrible mother because I didn’t love her the way I was supposed to,’ Nicole told FEMAIL.

Four years on and she and her daughter best friends and she is finally the fun mum she always wanted to be – but it took a while.

Nicole is so scarred by the deep mental health episode she lived through for two years her dreams of having two children, a pigeon pair, have been shelved.

The skin crawling feeling she got when she heard her baby’s first cry contrasted with her desire to keep her safe at all costs. She told her partner Shayne to keep his eyes on her at all times.

Nicole gave birth via C-section – but remained positive the whole time as she had during her glorious ‘sunshine and rainbows’ pregnancy.

‘I was so naïve I thought being a parent would be easy. I thought I would be the fun mum making toys and doing my own baby sensory activities,’ she said.

Relief came when she went back to work – but she was thrust back into the throes of depression every time her baby got sick and she stayed home to care for her

She was ‘strangely relieved’ when she was discharged before her young daughter who ended up swallowing fluid at birth and had to stay in the NICU for a while. It was there that they also noticed holes in her heart and a ‘clicky’ hip they wanted to monitor.

‘I went in and saw her every day but it wasn’t like she was home and I had to look after her,’ she said.

But this also impacted their ability to bond – as did the brace her daughter came home with which kept her hips square until they developed properly.

In hindsight the post natal depression was clear – there were indicators everywhere. Even her previous mental health issues signalled the potential for it to develop.

Nicole’s spiralling mental health meant she couldn’t be the mum she thought she would be or have the enlightening maternity period she had dreamed of.

Nicole and Ellie are best friends now – but the mum mourns the period of her life where she was anxious and depressed instead of the fun mum she had wanted to be

Instead she was sitting at home, experiencing sensory overload every time her baby cried and believing she was the worst mum to ever exist.

‘I just didn’t know what she needed,’ she said.

She questioned her ability to feed baby or to keep her happy and safe.

‘Shayne could actually work out what she needed much faster, knew when she was hungry or tired or needed her nappy checked. I just couldn’t figure it out,’ she recalled.

Nicole mourned the confident woman she had once been and the dream of motherhood she’d created during those ‘perfect’ months of pregnancy.

‘I thought we would be sitting in cafes, I was looking so forward to maternity leave and a ten month break,’ she said.

In fact she was relieved when maternity leave ended and she had to go back to her government office job.

She explained she thought being a mum would be easy but her partner was actually more attuned to bub’s needs

At least there she knew what she was doing and whether she was doing it well.

‘It made our relationship better. I missed her when I was at work and thought of all the fun things we could do,’ she reflected.

Nicole didn’t realise the darkness she was facing was postnatal depression or how common it was.

In fact Specialist Paedeatrician Dr Daniel Golshevsky, better known as Dr Golly, explains perinatal mental health struggles impact about one in five mums.

‘Having a highly unsettled baby or a history of mental health problems will increase your chances of suffering. There are many symptoms but feeling numb or sad, as well as excessive crying, anxiety, fear or worry are some of the most common,’ he said.

The numbness, anxiety and sadness mentioned by the doctor were all ever-present for Nicole – but came to ahead one day when she and her now husband, Shayne, were shopping for an aircon.

‘I didn’t want to go home – because she was there and it meant I would have to look after her,’ she said.

‘We were in the car and I just burst into tears. Poor Shayne saw me crying all the time but didn’t know how to help.’

It took two years for Nicole to emerge from her post natal depression and begin to enjoy parenting

Shayne held her and promised things would be okay – reminding her he was there and they were a team.

The next time her feelings took over Nicole was alone. Ellie’s cries sent her into a rage.

‘I was screaming and shouting – not at her but in general – I was shaking. I called my mum and admitted I needed help,’ she said.

That phone call brought the family closer.

‘She had a difficult birth with me and my twin sister. and admitted her own struggles with parenthood. She was of the generation where it wasn’t talked about,’ she said.

Nicole has worked on her relationship with Ellie every day, with things becoming easier now the youngster can talk about what she wants.

She says sending her to day care where she knew she was safe also helped with her mental health.

Now she and Ellie are inseparable.

Nicole wants other women to realise they are not alone, and that if they are feeling the crushing weight of depression and anxiety after birth then it could be something more sinister than the ‘blues’.

Nicole and Dr Golly are both doing push ups this month to raise awareness for mental health.

‘The most important thing you need to remember is if you need help, help is available,’ Dr Golly said.

PANDA has a national hotline 1300 726 306 and is a great starting point for any parent looking for advice

READ MORE: ‘I just couldn’t enjoy anything with my son’: Jess Wright discusses her struggle with ‘debilitating’ postnatal depression and slams the ‘dismissive’ use of term ‘baby blues’