Eurovision Song Contest 2024, first semi-final, review: Croatia steals show while the UK already looks doomed

Marko Purisic, aka Baby Lasagna, representing Croatia – AFP

Milking cows, exploding trousers, screeching witches, a rap about Mother Teresa and a half-naked man with a mullet hatching out of a giant denim egg. It could only be the annual audio-visual fever dream that is Eurovision. The 68th edition of the world’s biggest and most bonkers music competition got under way with Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final 1 (BBC One).

Live from Malmö Arena, following Swedish diva Loreen’s 2023 win in Liverpool, it passed off surprisingly peacefully. If anything, a little uneventfully. The atmosphere felt flat, although perhaps we were spoiled by last year’s Merseyside mayhem.

With not one but two wars raging in the background, this year’s contest was always likely to be politically charged. Security had been boosted. Organisers were braced for protests but nothing came. Everyone will remain on high-alert until the second semi-final, when Israel take to the stage.

We were frequently warned about flashing images and strobe effects. We weren’t warned about the show being stolen by something called Baby Lasagna.

Baby Lasagna was endearingly eccentric – AFP

Baby Lasagna performs the song ‘Rim Tim Tagi Dim’ – AP

Croatia’s memorably named entrant delivered a rock-techno racket about economic migration – that well-known topic for pop lyrics. It was endearingly eccentric, infernally catchy and will take some beating on Saturday.

The British contingent might as well pack up and head home early. UK entrant Olly Alexander has been branded “complicit in genocide” for his participation, which seems extreme. The Years & Years frontman and It’s A Sin star promised to tackle Eurovision in “the gayest way possible” but despite crooning from inside a sort of zero-gravity space toilet, he failed to to stand out.

Formulaic synth-pop affair “Dizzy” feels like a Pet Shop Boys B-side. Alexander is unlikely to make up for Mae Muller’s chastening flop last year. He’d concentrated on gimmicky staging and forgotten to write an actual tune.

Olly Alexander performs during the first semi-final – Shutterstock

The so-called “Big Five” plus host nation Sweden qualify for the final automatically but for the first time, they showcased their songs during the semi-finals. After Alexander’s lukewarm visit to the en suite musical loo, Germany and Sweden previewed their offerings. Lumpen German pyro-rocker Isaak will struggle to improve on last year’s wooden spoon humiliation, while Swedish twins Marcus & Martinus brought back traumatic memories of Jemini and Jedward, not to mention The Shining. Where’s Jack Nicholson with an axe when you need him?

German singer Isaak Guderian representing Germany with the song “Always on the run” – JESSICA GOW/TT/TT News Agency/AFP via Getty Images

Finland’s Windows95man was a self-consciously wacky weirdo wearing flesh-coloured Y-fronts. Bambie Thug rightly broke the Irish curse to become its first qualifier for six years with a theatrically demonic slice of “ouija-pop”. Johnny Logan would be turning in his grave if he was actually dead. Indeed, the two-time winner proved he was alive and well by popping up to perform a heartfelt Loreen tribute.

Hollywood actress Malin Åkerman joined popular comedienne Petra Mede to compère proceedings with winning wit and minimal awkwardness. There were assorted medleys, endless recaps, the usual cheesy VTs and cutaways to the excitable 9,000 strong audience. The crowd was so dominated by confirmed bachelors, Mede could crack a knowing Grindr gag. Production was slick. The pace didn’t sag until the home stretch when votes were counted and padding-out was required.

Marcus and Martinus performing the song ‘Unforgettable’ for Sweden – Jessica Gow/TT/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

Keeping Graham Norton’s seat warm for Saturday, Scott Mills and Rylan added arch commentary for UK viewers. Rylan was more amusing but both were so keen to keep talking, it often felt like being harangued in stereo. Nice-but-bland Mills should be jettisoned next year.

Of the 15 semi-finalists competing, the top 10 went forward to this weekend’s showpiece grand final. Luxembourg returned after a 30-year absence and narrowly snuck through. We waved a relieved farewell to Poland’s Lady Gaga-lite, Moldova’s yodel-fest, the Icelandic Jane McDonald, Azerbaijan’s howl-athon and, in the biggest shock result, Australia’s feeble Grace Jones facsimile. It was difficult to make a case for any of them deserving to stay but it all seemed like a lot of trouble just to eliminate five songs.

Windows95man sets the stage alight performing ‘No Rules’ – JESSICA GOW/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

At almost two-and-a-half hours, this was stamina-sapping, lung-bustingly overblown fare for a Tuesday evening. With the second semi-final still to come, not to mention copious documentaries and blanket radio coverage, the BBC is at serious risk of Eurovision overload before we even reach Saturday’s main event. I might climb into a giant denim egg until it’s safe to come out again.

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