Dear Mary: I’ve fallen in love with my married neighbour and can’t stop thinking about about being close to her

I’m writing to you because I’m a 48-year-old single man, never married and with no children. I am in love with my married 62-year-old neighbour and I can’t stop thinking about her. I see her in passing as she spends a lot of her time outside, and we chat about the weather and other things.

Her husband spends most of his time in the house when he’s not working so I hardly know him at all. I can’t stop thinking about her and what it would be like to be close to her. We live in a rural area so there are not many people around.

Because she is married, I would not have the courage to speak to her and express my feelings towards her. Can you give me any advice please?

Mary replies: I wish you had given me more information about yourself because I have very little to go on, apart from your age and marital status. However, I’m answering you because it struck me as an interesting situation.

It seems to me that you have started to create a fantasy about this woman. You chat to her about inconsequential things, you don’t often get reminded of the fact that she has a husband, and then you go home and think about her constantly.

She has probably no idea that you have any feelings for her and is content to talk to you whenever you pass by. I am so happy that you haven’t had the courage to tell her how you feel — she would probably get an awful shock and it would make it very embarrassing for you both for future conversations.

The thing about this is that while you obsess about her — let’s call her Margaret — you are stopping yourself from allowing anybody else into your world. I realise that as you live in the country there are not many people around, but this is why you should be proactive in getting out and doing things. What are your interests? Have you considered joining a club that would fit in with your interests or hobbies? It also may be possible to volunteer to work for a charity, or join a choir, learn a musical instrument or a new language. It just seems such a waste of time for you to be spending hours thinking about Margaret who is unavailable to you when there could be a person in your life who would welcome the friendship.

Anytime I publish a letter from someone who is lonely and looking for friendship, I usually get some more letters from people in a similar situation who would like to be put in touch with the writer. This is not possible for me to do because even if I had their information — most people choose the anonymous option when writing to me — I am not allowed to pass it on because of General Data Protection Regulations. But it proves to me that the surveys are correct and there are lots of lonely people in Ireland and that makes me sad.

So please stop thinking about Margaret and try to make some changes in your life that will help you to broaden your horizons. It will make you more interesting and also make for a more interesting life.

Get ahead of the day with the morning headlines at 7.30am and Fionnán Sheahan’s exclusive take on the day’s news every afternoon, with our free daily newsletter.