CRAIG BROWN: 'I have never been near the Muffet tuffet'...

The Spider and Miss Muffet 

Mr Spider: ‘It’s like this. To the best of my recollection, I have never met Miss Muffet. Nor was I anywhere near the tuffet in question on the day in question. 

‘However, if I was at or near the tuffet, and if for any reason I frightened Miss Muffet away, then I apologise. I would really appreciate being able to work through this with my family in private.’ 

Reporter: But did you sit down beside her? Is she a liar? 

Lawyer acting on behalf of Mr Spider: ‘Thank you. Mr Spider will be taking no further questions.’

Marie-Antoinette

‘I am desperately sorry for any trouble I may or may not have caused by my overheard remark, “Let them eat cake.” 

‘I had no wish to offend the poor people of this country, whom I continue to hold in high esteem.

‘What would one do without them? Of course, as my spokesman Le Duc de Rees-Mogg has already made clear, what I meant to say was: “Let them eat what they want, when they want it, unless they don’t have it, in which case we should set up an official inquiry.”

‘I trust this draws a line under the matter, and I know that this silly little misunderstanding will soon be entirely forgotten.’

Emperor Nero

‘Mr Speaker, I want to apologise. I know that millions of people across this country have made extraordinary sacrifices, and I can understand the rage they feel with me and with the government I lead when they see reports that I fiddled while Rome burned.

‘With hindsight, I realise my actions might be seen as an inappropriate response to a conflagration. When I went into the garden to fiddle for 25 minutes, I believed this was a work event.

‘By fiddling, I sought only to alleviate the flames through the healing power of music. But I should have recognised that even if fiddling could technically fall within government guidance, there would be millions of silly people who simply would not see it that way.’

Dr Hannibal Lecter

Nick Robinson, BBC Radio 4 Today programme: ‘So did he or did he not consume his victim with some fava beans and a nice chianti?’

Jacob Rees-Mogg (spokesman for Dr Lecter): ‘Dr Lecter is going from strength to strength. He is a hugely qualified doctor who has achieved some truly remarkable things, for which this country has reason to be very grateful.’

Robinson: ‘But that’s not the question, is it? The question is, did he or did he not . . .’

Rees-Mogg: ‘If you will just permit me to finish. As I have already made perfectly clear, Dr Lecter has admitted that mistakes were made, and for that he has apologised. No one is perfect. That is not within the bounds of human nature. But he remains a towering member of his profession. He is going from strength to strength. It is time to move on.’

Robinson: ‘B-b-b-but . . .’

Rees-Mogg: ‘As this goes ahead, we should ask ourselves if those regulations were proportionate, or whether they were too hard on people. We inevitably grieve for those who suffered, but the fact remains that Dr Lecter was a very busy man enjoying a modest luncheon. This is not to say every single decision he made was perfect.’

Robinson: ‘Forgive me, but you are talking about a man who is said to have eaten someone with fava beans and a nice bottle of chianti!’

Rees-Mogg: ‘And what’s wrong with a half-decent bottle of chianti?’

Bonanno Pisano

Architect of the Leaning Tower of Pisa

‘Following unhelpful and damaging reports in the media, I wish to make it clear that it is not the Tower of Pisa that is “leaning”, but the ground beneath it.

‘This very slight tilt is to be expected in the early stages of any building. We are advised that in less than 850 years, any misadjustments will have been entirely eradicated. 

‘I apologise for any upset caused by these rumours, and wish it to be known that, after a successful re-branding, the tower in question will henceforth be known as The Upright Tower of Pisa.’