My mom derailed my career. How do I tell my siblings I need a larger share of our inheritance?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader feels he deserves a larger share of his mom’s inheritance than his siblings.
• Our columnist says it’s OK to ask, but he needs to accept whatever answer his siblings give.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

As a minor, I had opportunities in music, even getting offered a recording contract. My mom, wanting me to finish university first, declined the offer. Unfortunately, when I was finally free to make my own choices, the music industry changed, and the opportunities I’d had before were gone. Despite my efforts, I struggled to break through. Now, I’m living paycheck to paycheck, unable to afford the costs needed to advance my music career.

Recently, I faced even greater setbacks. I lost my side income as an Airbnb host due to a name verification issue. This error was due to my mom deciding to raise me by my middle name rather than my legal first name. The emotional stress of this led to me losing my last source of income as well, and now I feel defeated, voiceless, and distrustful of people.

I know I cannot afford to continue feeling sorry for myself and living in fear. I don’t want to lay all of this on my mother, but I can’t help resenting her decisions over my name and musical career. I’m a 41-year-old man, and I feel powerless over my life. I can’t even control the name people call me. I fear I’ll be dead or homeless by 50 without a plan and sense of direction.

I plan to ask my siblings for a larger share of my mother’s legacy that I can put toward teaching college. But I’m afraid that since they are all quite successful they won’t understand and they won’t help me.

How do I broach this with my siblings without hurting our relationship?

Sincerely,

Short-changed by Life

Dear Short-changed,

Reading your letter, I see two separate issues tangled together, leaving you scared and hopeless.

First, there’s the issue of your mother. Parent/child relationships are often complicated, and reconciliation isn’t guaranteed just because one person in the dynamic dies. Instead, it can be even more difficult because the person still living now has no one to hash things out with, so they must find peace alone.

Second, there’s your financial situation and the limited career opportunities you have to fix it. Let’s tackle your financial plan first.

I was nine years old when I set my plans for the future — I’d be a writer. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but like many writers before me, I thought I was the exception. Sure, delusion undergirded much of my confidence. Still, my writing impressed my college professors so much that they read my work aloud in class and annotated my papers with exclamations of delight. I had to be good, right?

Since I’m answering your letter on the stage of a major media outlet, I suppose the answer is yes. But I also have two complete novels accumulating dust because I can’t find a publisher. And every single day, I ask myself, “Will this career ever pay?”

I tell you this because I know that as beautiful as a dream can be, it can also be heavy and awkward to hold, and it will certainly keep your hands too full to consider carrying anything else. Sometimes, the best option is to set it down. It could be for a pause or the space to carry something new. And if you’re afraid of being homeless or dead by the age of 50, it’s time to look for something new.

Remember, shifting to a more practical career option doesn’t have to mean giving up music entirely. It just means that for now, it’s something you do in your free time. You mention using the money from your siblings for teaching college, which is a solid plan. In the meantime, find a job that keeps you afloat and put together a budget. Living paycheck to paycheck is scary, but you’re still living. As long as you are making moves for a better future, that’s enough for now.

I also want to talk about your relationship with your mom. I imagine how I would feel if I’d been offered a publishing deal as a teenager, only for my mom to say no on my behalf. The resentment you feel must be intense. And then, when you’re already bitter, for another one of her choices to rob you of your backup plan, well, forgiveness must feel impossible.

But that’s the thing with bitterness and resentment: Forgiveness is the only cure. Forgiveness is tricky because when you’ve been wronged, it feels deeply unfair to do the work of forgiveness on top of everything else.

You said you don’t want to blame all your troubles on her, yet it seems you can’t help it. So, blame her. Lay all of your broken dreams at her feet. And then, forgive her. Put the past behind you where it belongs, and face forward. It’s time to take ownership of your life.

You do this by making your own choices. Choosing to switch your career, change your name, and forgive are all ways you can take your power back.

When you ask your siblings for a larger share of the inheritance money, be direct, honest, and confident. You have every right to ask, and they have every right to say no. Whatever they decide, accept it with grace.

You asked me how to request a larger portion of the inheritance from your siblings without damaging your relationships. I suggest avoiding any elusion to your mother owing you. That hurt is yours, and they are unlikely to share your perspective. Instead, lay out your plan for your future. And remember, they’re much more likely to believe in you if they can tell you believe in yourself.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Read the original article on Business Insider