7 signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family, even if it looked perfect on the outside

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• Growing up in a dysfunctional family can impact you in many ways, according to a therapist.
• It can shape your adult relationships, your self-esteem, and how you handle conflict.
• Luckily it’s never too late to learn healthy relationship habits and how to set boundaries.

In an ideal world, everyone’s family would be stable, secure, and emotionally healthy.

Unfortunately, reality is more complicated. You may have grown up with emotionally immature parents who react at the slightest inconvenience, or in an enmeshed family where you had no sense of boundaries.

Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, said that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers profoundly shape the later relationships in our lives.

“Families send messages, implicitly and explicitly, about what’s permissible and what’s not permissible in a family system,” Wright told Business Insider. In adulthood, she said, “This usually shows up with romantic partners, with friends, with colleagues and our bosses.”

Wright shared some of the signs that you grew up in a dysfunctional home — as well as what you can do to break the cycle of dysfunction in your current relationships.

1. You’re extremely hard on yourself

People who grow up in dysfunctional families can be very hard on themselves. Jose Luis Pelaez Inc

Wright said that people who grow up in dysfunctional families can experience low self-worth or negative thought patterns such as “thinking really poorly of yourself or having very rigid thinking of yourself and others,” she said.

For example, if you were raised by an overly critical parent, Wright said you can find it very difficult to “turn off those critical voices in your head.”

2. You struggle to regulate your emotions

Emotional dysregulation occurs when you can’t access, name, and appropriately express your feelings, Wright said. People who come from abusive or dysfunctional families often have difficulty with emotional regulation.

“Caregivers, very early on, are the ones who teach children how to feel their feelings,” she said. Emotionally healthy caregivers will help their children realize when they’re angry or sad and find safe ways for them to cope with uncomfortable emotions.

But if you have parents who are emotionally immature or abusive, Wright said you can get messages like, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” which teaches you to try to bottle up your emotions.

She said one of the key skills she helps clients from dysfunctional families build is emotional regulation.

3. You have an insecure attachment style

Even if you know your family is dysfunctional and you want to be the opposite, it’s not so simple. Wright said it’s common to have difficulties in friendships, romantic partnerships, and work relationships because you might not be able to set boundaries, communicate your feelings, or even know what a healthy dynamic looks like.

“If you struggle with finding, forming, and keeping secure healthy relationships, that could be reflective of your attachment style,” Wright said. According to attachment theory, there are four types of bonds we form with people: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. The last three can be caused by growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Luckily, attachment styles are flexible and you can change your attachment style as an adult.

4. You have no idea how to navigate conflict

How you deal with conflict is influenced by your family dynamics in childhood. fizkes/Getty Images

How you deal with conflict is hugely influenced by how you grew up, Wright said.

For example, if you grew up with a reactive parent who raged at the first sign of conflict or an emotionally absent parent who withdrew their love, “you probably learned as a child that conflict is not safe,” Wright said.

On the flip side, if you had a passive parent who shut down when any uncomfortable feelings came up, you likely received the message that problems should be swallowed to keep the peace.

5. You have physical symptoms

According to Wright, the emotional and psychological symptoms of growing up in an unstable or neglectful family can have physical side effects, too.

Wright said insomnia, stress, and anxiety can all be linked to your past or current relationship with your family.

6. You’re afraid of uncertainty

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can make you uncomfortable with uncertainty SolStock

While Wright said that a history of childhood abuse or neglect doesn’t necessarily make you risk-averse, it can influence how well you tolerate the uncertainty of stepping out of your comfort zone.

“There’s a very large portion of people who come from dysfunctional family systems who feel quite afraid to venture out into the world or take big risks because they don’t necessarily have a proverbial safety net underneath them to catch them if they fall,” Wright said.

Others might be able to pivot careers or move abroad, but their emotional regulation skills can make dealing with the changes very difficult.

“Instead of being able to effectively take care of oneself through exercise or meditation or turning toward that family for a phone call, they might drink or binge eat,” Wright said. “So they might still be taking the risk, but they might be coping with the feelings associated with that risk in less functional ways.”

7. You’re learning how to be emotionally healthy

Wright said that people often start going to therapy once they realize they’re in a pattern of unhealthy romantic relationships or struggle to keep friends. They then learn that they have gaps in their communication, emotional regulation, and boundary-setting skills.

The good news is that change is possible, as long as you have the right resources.

“These are literal skills that can be built in adulthood, as much as any other skill like teaching yourself how to code,” Wright said.